My sweetest and most treasured friend Dolly has made it!!! 10 years in Poland!! All that praying payed off and I have God to thank for every last bit that he did for Doll! Yes, YeS, YES!!!
As you may or may not know I had Math midterms today!! I was dreading them to a great extent up until I actually started the test. There were 30 questions. To my suprise they were not at all hard ones, like I expected! I finished it feeling as if i've done my best on it and prayed that I did well. The rest of the class period I listened to my wonderful camp CD and prayed that Dolly had yet another good day and asking God to keep her safe and make sure she had everything she needed.
Ok, so before all this, first block an 80 minute class just like the rest, I had a subsitute for Civics. :)) I'd hate to say it but I'm actually glad I had a sub. today or at all. One reason being I knew if we had a sub all we had to do is complete a few worksheets or something. The second being because he wasn't there he coudn't torment me or tease me, something like that..meaning i can't focus completely. So today i got everything done in record time, AND had extra time to read The child called "it".
Jumping back forward to the afternoon, I got to eat lunch today. I feared I might have to wait until i got home (which was just a few hours away)but by then I'd be famished and be eating everything in sight. I had a few bucks in my pocket that I owed a friend for buying me lunch yesterday but I asked her if i could just return the money on Monday when I should have $20. So in the end I ate lunch and one of my other friends split a cappiccino with me for energy this morning.
After lunch was my flex time to do whatever I needed to accomplish. Because Ev. got to my teacher before myself I had to wait to go to the library because only one person can be there from a class at a time, on a 10 min. pass. While I waited I attempted to finish my book but could not do so. My one friend needed some help with the take home test that was do next period and then the other wanted someone to chat with. While waiting for Ev. to return from his daily venture to the library we, my two classmates and myself, discussed same sex relationships. Them knowing I was a christian made it a little confusing for them when I told them i had nothing against 2 people of the same genger having a relationship. I was not about to tell them though that it wasn't wrong from what the bible states, because it is. So anyway, shared our points of view on the topic and concidered how other people feel about it and what they think of it.
So anyway, by the time I got home from school I completed A child called "it" and by the end David had become someone who I admire because he was willing to share his story with everyone and because of the things he lived through. I mean come on.... His mother MADE him drink tablespoons of clorox or amnonia and he was put in a closed bathroom full of clorox and amnoia and his mother demanded he cleaned the bathroom with it. He was stabbed, almost burnt alive on the stove and luckily he just got his arm burnt, he lived in the garage, was CALLED AN IT, was NOT considered a member of the family or even a human being. He had to fend for himself,did i mention he was stabbed? His two brothers eventually started to treat him like his mother did, constantly giving him beating even though he did nothing wrong. He was starved, not being fed for the majority of the summer and when he did manage to find something to eat it got taken from him. One time he had found something at school to eat but later threw it up at home in the toilet. His mother caught him made him dig it out, show is father and then EAT IT!!! OH!! it gets worse!! you see he had brothers and at one time one of his brothers was a baby. His mom forced him to eat the kids crap, litterally, but not before he got saturated with the urine from the baby's diaper. HIs mother constantly beat him, was smashed into the mirror several different times, and then had to look at himself in the mirror stating aloud he was a bad boy. By the time he was 8 or so he was convinced he REALLY WAS a bad boy. No matter what it was it was his fault. I'm sorry but if this doesn't wanna make you cry i don't know what would!! Last night i layed in my bed crying while reading what his mother did to him!! OH! i forgot a part. His dad, he lived with them. At first he tried to defend his son but after a while it was useless. And because his father also became an aloholic, at times, because his dad just stood there and watched his son nearly be killed right in front of his eyes, David hated his father even more than his mother!!! It came to the point that David believed in no God at all, hated the sun just becuase it shined, and he wished death upon himself constantly but not just because of what he was put through, because he believed that everything was the way it was was because of him. especially his parent's seperation. This is unbelievalbe!! There is much more!! Much, much more!!! I'm just thankful I don't know anyone personally that has gone thorugh any of this kind of trama. And if they have, oh my goodness... I admire anyone who has been through any kind of this abuse, physical or verbal and still live and contain sanity. If I was told that i was not a human being and I was just an "it", unloved, and unwanted I wouldn't even want to see the next sunrise. I would find a way to have my self killed. What would the point of living if you are unloved? You don't believe in a God anymore and your unloved!!! I admire those people who have lived through abuse of anykind and are still sane. Still are optomistic and still believe in a God who loves them with all his heart. I admire those who is brave enough to tell their story and be able to move on. I didn't even mention that David now has kids and wonderful wife. He also worked for the airforce and never gave up. Both his parents died too. I admire those who go and help those who need some up lift because they know what its like. Those people who do something about it. I can't help but to ask during the course of that story why did God allow this to happen to this innocent child? But then, i think twice...In the end to inspire the readers of his great autobiographies of a boy who fought and stayed strong. A boy who always did his best and eventually found someone who loved him and cared for him. A boy who survived the worst I can think of. You think, the men that were put in the firey furnace in biblical times. This young boy at the time survived more than that! he was burnt, yes, but he still survived, he was not killed that day, that and everything else...mman...
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Scholastic Writing!
A Short, Short Fiction story
People Who Cared
Mother threw me against the wall, her mother’s drunken stench intensifying as she grew closer to my face, only a half inch away from touching noses. Mother’s hands clutched around my wrists, jamming them high against the wall behind me. I dare not move a muscle or even speak a word. My mother’s grasp would tighten as she spoke to her only daughter, threatening me once again.
My life could change but only I could do it. My best friend Leah and my closest teacher and wonderful friend Ms. Rettger have always been there for me through the toughest times. It took two years before Ms. Rettger gained my trust enough to see behind my confusing smile. Leah couldn’t always physically be there with me but she always, always, pulled me out of the storm and always gave me words of inspiration to keep going. Both of them knew what happened to me at home and both of them did all they could with the little power they had. They wanted my life to change for the better, but ultimately only I could do that, if I dared.
I had wanted to go to court against my mother for years but I could never bring myself to do it. What if the courts supported my mother? Life was bad now, but it would be impossible if I told the truth but still remained with my alcoholic mother. My two friends told me what I would have to do and they assured me a better life awaited than what I had now. What mother has done to me had taken its toll. I have been scarred mentally and physically. I am afraid.
Slam! The front door closes. The house is spotless. The dishes are done and put away. The counters are sanitized and spices are organized. All the furniture has been polished and the floors vacuumed. Everything is clean. I spent the entire afternoon cleaning up after mother’s drunken mess from the evening before.
“Get your ass out here!” she yells. My desk chair swivels as I leave the computer chair and place my unfinished book back on its shelf. I now stand before her, careful to keep my distance. “Right here!” She points directly in front of her. I move to the location she specifies without showing any emotion although I am reluctant to approach her and uncertain about what she might do this time. I think of Leah’s past guidance to stay calm. I have nothing to hide whatever she wants…. This too shall pass… Leah told me no matter what, to keep my mouth shut unless my mother asks any questions, then answer with a calm tone, no matter how scared or angry I am.
I see mother has been drinking again. Her eyes are bloodshot and she is growing very aggressive. There is also a six-pack of beer on the kitchen table. I look at my feet, gaining inner strength, bracing myself for anything and everything to come. I try to excuse my mother’s actions because of her drinking. She has drank all her life, my dad once said, before he walked out, leaving me to her doubtful mercy. I wonder where he is now and if he ever things of me.
In the living room, she tells me it’s my fault for everything that has happened. I am the reason she drinks. She tells me I do nothing around the house and nothing for her. I am a slut too she says. None of this relates in reality. I’m so confused…
Leah understood what I was going through; only she and Ms. Rettger really knew what happened behind the closed doors. Leah has been through the same if not worse circumstances. She too has been scarred. Because she was older than her two sisters she had a great responsibility, protecting her sisters. Her mom would endlessly insult her. She’d tell Leah that she was nothing to the world and nothing to her. Leah once told me that eventually she managed to escape but $30,000 left to her by her grandparents had been taken away from her to buy drugs and alcohol, as had fourteen years of her life. Leah loved me too much to let that happen to me. She didn’t want me to have to live on my own at the age of 14 like she had, needing an income to get herself through school. She knew what it was like to have no one to turn to in her adolescent years. She knew what it was like to go home and feel like no one cared that she had just aced a class that all they cared about was that the house and younger kids were taken care of. She knew what it was like to be unloved and hurt, Leah understood.
A month later I was scheduled to go to court to testify against my mother. Ms. Rettger had had enough. She knew I didn’t have the heart to do it myself and she couldn’t bear to see me come into school and cry to her anymore. She had to do something before I left that school; it was my last year with her. She told me she was going to do all she could and didn’t care if she got fired- she loved me. She had already been warned once to stay out of a student’s home issues but she couldn’t take it anymore.
Ms. Rettger wanted me to testify against mother. She promised that my mother could not hurt me, she would not allow it and neither would the legal system.
I was called to the bench and as I approached the witness chair every eye was on me. As I walked forward, I could feel my mother’s fury. She had told me once never to tell anyone about what she does or she would kill me. She can’t get me. She never can and she never will. I sit in the old brown chair behind the wooden desk. I search deep inside me in hope of some strength. Ms. Rettger and I meet eyes. In her eyes she seems to be telling me, “I love you. You can do this. I have faith in you. You can do this. It will soon be over.”
When I sat down after my story was told I had tears in my eyes. I did it! The worst is over!
A thirty-minute break later, the judge has made his decision for my fate. Leah and Ms. Rettger are on either side of me holding my hand. Ms. Rettger was the one who got me here. She spent every spare minute making phone calls to many people, social services, counselors, and other officials. I was able to get out of the house and stay with Leah until all way over. Mother was at the table beside me glaring at all three of us. I could feel her hate burning my skin.
“The decision had been made,” the judge says. “Other family members have been looked into and I have found that your grandmother will be in your best interest. As of today, Vicky A. Kilmer will be her legal guardian. Case closed!”
I am living with my grandmother now, and everything is much better. At first I was worried that maybe grandmother would just be an older version of my mother, but she isn’t. She is my mother’s mother, but it isn’t her fault that my mother is they way she is. Could it be the alcohol that has made my mother someone to both fear and pity? Could I ever end up like her? Is it in the blood? I resolve never to drink or even taste alcohol, ever! The hell I have lived through ends with me; I will not pass that legacy on to my children.
Poems:
Catnip
Around and around,
Up and down
Off the desk!
You little pest!
Around my feet,
Then around my seat
Watch out for baby Troy!
Chasin’ that catnip toy
Plop! He falls to the floor
Cat I can’t take this anymore
Out you go, with that toy of yours!
I need to finish all my chores.
David(based on the autobiographies the lost boy and My name is dave)
I’m not an “It”
I’m not “The boy”
I’m not your slave
And I’m not your toy
My name is David
I have a life,
I’m not threatened by the kitchen knife.
You’d strike me once
You’d strike me twice
Not one tear filled my eyes
Strike me three times, strike me four
I was as stiff as a concrete board.
You burnt me and beat me,
You’d insult me and not feed me.
I have won and you have not
I told the story of a boy who fought
I’m more than an “it”, more than “The Boy”,
More than your slave and more than your toy.
You can’t be me anymore
Because I escaped from your world.
You don’t control me
Like you once did
I’m not longer your little boy.
I’m grown up now
And I have a life
I even have a little kid and a beautiful wife
My Name is David.
My Hero
My friend and educator
She’s my counselor too
She’s done so much for me
What more could she do?
Her words of wisdom
Help me stay strong
When she talks to me
All my problems float away
Everywhere around me, no one else seems to care
But she, my hero, always and forever will linger near
She kept me alive and she kept me strong.
If it wasn’t for her
I’d probably be gone.
So thank you my dear teacher
For everything you’ve done for me
You are my hero
And forever you will be!
People Who Cared
Mother threw me against the wall, her mother’s drunken stench intensifying as she grew closer to my face, only a half inch away from touching noses. Mother’s hands clutched around my wrists, jamming them high against the wall behind me. I dare not move a muscle or even speak a word. My mother’s grasp would tighten as she spoke to her only daughter, threatening me once again.
My life could change but only I could do it. My best friend Leah and my closest teacher and wonderful friend Ms. Rettger have always been there for me through the toughest times. It took two years before Ms. Rettger gained my trust enough to see behind my confusing smile. Leah couldn’t always physically be there with me but she always, always, pulled me out of the storm and always gave me words of inspiration to keep going. Both of them knew what happened to me at home and both of them did all they could with the little power they had. They wanted my life to change for the better, but ultimately only I could do that, if I dared.
I had wanted to go to court against my mother for years but I could never bring myself to do it. What if the courts supported my mother? Life was bad now, but it would be impossible if I told the truth but still remained with my alcoholic mother. My two friends told me what I would have to do and they assured me a better life awaited than what I had now. What mother has done to me had taken its toll. I have been scarred mentally and physically. I am afraid.
Slam! The front door closes. The house is spotless. The dishes are done and put away. The counters are sanitized and spices are organized. All the furniture has been polished and the floors vacuumed. Everything is clean. I spent the entire afternoon cleaning up after mother’s drunken mess from the evening before.
“Get your ass out here!” she yells. My desk chair swivels as I leave the computer chair and place my unfinished book back on its shelf. I now stand before her, careful to keep my distance. “Right here!” She points directly in front of her. I move to the location she specifies without showing any emotion although I am reluctant to approach her and uncertain about what she might do this time. I think of Leah’s past guidance to stay calm. I have nothing to hide whatever she wants…. This too shall pass… Leah told me no matter what, to keep my mouth shut unless my mother asks any questions, then answer with a calm tone, no matter how scared or angry I am.
I see mother has been drinking again. Her eyes are bloodshot and she is growing very aggressive. There is also a six-pack of beer on the kitchen table. I look at my feet, gaining inner strength, bracing myself for anything and everything to come. I try to excuse my mother’s actions because of her drinking. She has drank all her life, my dad once said, before he walked out, leaving me to her doubtful mercy. I wonder where he is now and if he ever things of me.
In the living room, she tells me it’s my fault for everything that has happened. I am the reason she drinks. She tells me I do nothing around the house and nothing for her. I am a slut too she says. None of this relates in reality. I’m so confused…
Leah understood what I was going through; only she and Ms. Rettger really knew what happened behind the closed doors. Leah has been through the same if not worse circumstances. She too has been scarred. Because she was older than her two sisters she had a great responsibility, protecting her sisters. Her mom would endlessly insult her. She’d tell Leah that she was nothing to the world and nothing to her. Leah once told me that eventually she managed to escape but $30,000 left to her by her grandparents had been taken away from her to buy drugs and alcohol, as had fourteen years of her life. Leah loved me too much to let that happen to me. She didn’t want me to have to live on my own at the age of 14 like she had, needing an income to get herself through school. She knew what it was like to have no one to turn to in her adolescent years. She knew what it was like to go home and feel like no one cared that she had just aced a class that all they cared about was that the house and younger kids were taken care of. She knew what it was like to be unloved and hurt, Leah understood.
A month later I was scheduled to go to court to testify against my mother. Ms. Rettger had had enough. She knew I didn’t have the heart to do it myself and she couldn’t bear to see me come into school and cry to her anymore. She had to do something before I left that school; it was my last year with her. She told me she was going to do all she could and didn’t care if she got fired- she loved me. She had already been warned once to stay out of a student’s home issues but she couldn’t take it anymore.
Ms. Rettger wanted me to testify against mother. She promised that my mother could not hurt me, she would not allow it and neither would the legal system.
I was called to the bench and as I approached the witness chair every eye was on me. As I walked forward, I could feel my mother’s fury. She had told me once never to tell anyone about what she does or she would kill me. She can’t get me. She never can and she never will. I sit in the old brown chair behind the wooden desk. I search deep inside me in hope of some strength. Ms. Rettger and I meet eyes. In her eyes she seems to be telling me, “I love you. You can do this. I have faith in you. You can do this. It will soon be over.”
When I sat down after my story was told I had tears in my eyes. I did it! The worst is over!
A thirty-minute break later, the judge has made his decision for my fate. Leah and Ms. Rettger are on either side of me holding my hand. Ms. Rettger was the one who got me here. She spent every spare minute making phone calls to many people, social services, counselors, and other officials. I was able to get out of the house and stay with Leah until all way over. Mother was at the table beside me glaring at all three of us. I could feel her hate burning my skin.
“The decision had been made,” the judge says. “Other family members have been looked into and I have found that your grandmother will be in your best interest. As of today, Vicky A. Kilmer will be her legal guardian. Case closed!”
I am living with my grandmother now, and everything is much better. At first I was worried that maybe grandmother would just be an older version of my mother, but she isn’t. She is my mother’s mother, but it isn’t her fault that my mother is they way she is. Could it be the alcohol that has made my mother someone to both fear and pity? Could I ever end up like her? Is it in the blood? I resolve never to drink or even taste alcohol, ever! The hell I have lived through ends with me; I will not pass that legacy on to my children.
Poems:
Catnip
Around and around,
Up and down
Off the desk!
You little pest!
Around my feet,
Then around my seat
Watch out for baby Troy!
Chasin’ that catnip toy
Plop! He falls to the floor
Cat I can’t take this anymore
Out you go, with that toy of yours!
I need to finish all my chores.
David(based on the autobiographies the lost boy and My name is dave)
I’m not an “It”
I’m not “The boy”
I’m not your slave
And I’m not your toy
My name is David
I have a life,
I’m not threatened by the kitchen knife.
You’d strike me once
You’d strike me twice
Not one tear filled my eyes
Strike me three times, strike me four
I was as stiff as a concrete board.
You burnt me and beat me,
You’d insult me and not feed me.
I have won and you have not
I told the story of a boy who fought
I’m more than an “it”, more than “The Boy”,
More than your slave and more than your toy.
You can’t be me anymore
Because I escaped from your world.
You don’t control me
Like you once did
I’m not longer your little boy.
I’m grown up now
And I have a life
I even have a little kid and a beautiful wife
My Name is David.
My Hero
My friend and educator
She’s my counselor too
She’s done so much for me
What more could she do?
Her words of wisdom
Help me stay strong
When she talks to me
All my problems float away
Everywhere around me, no one else seems to care
But she, my hero, always and forever will linger near
She kept me alive and she kept me strong.
If it wasn’t for her
I’d probably be gone.
So thank you my dear teacher
For everything you’ve done for me
You are my hero
And forever you will be!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
OH YES!!
HECK yeS!!! I have internet at home!!! JUNO!!! Thank you KIMBERLY!!!! If it wasn't for you!!!! ANYWAY!!! To let ya'll know Miss katie has a blog now!!! It is a MUST SEE!! ktcarlson.blogspot.com So Go!!! GO!! GOO!! GO!!!!!
Yes, I do have internet but it is as slow as heck!!! I would much rather hear from you by phone but if that is not possible for you send me some email and I'll get to it! Or better yet IM ME!!!!!! YES!! that is an excellent plan!!! You ALL should be doing that this afternoon when you see me get on around 3:50. :)) anway!!!! I'm going to do some other things... I just wanted to let ya'll know I'm online! for right now that is!!! so everyone, get to a computer this afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!
Love you Dolly and Katie and Gina and Emily!!! And the rest of you of course!! (if i don't mention these few they might feel unloved! ;) )
Yes, I do have internet but it is as slow as heck!!! I would much rather hear from you by phone but if that is not possible for you send me some email and I'll get to it! Or better yet IM ME!!!!!! YES!! that is an excellent plan!!! You ALL should be doing that this afternoon when you see me get on around 3:50. :)) anway!!!! I'm going to do some other things... I just wanted to let ya'll know I'm online! for right now that is!!! so everyone, get to a computer this afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!
Love you Dolly and Katie and Gina and Emily!!! And the rest of you of course!! (if i don't mention these few they might feel unloved! ;) )
Friday, October 14, 2005
Sadly I cannot get into my yahoo account anymore but I can still my other! My dad set me up with some internet so I have it by next week.. Well I'll have to install everything and stuff but I should have net! and it will only cost me like $15 a month instead of 70! cause i have verizon and my mom has set up the worst account witht them and next week too I might see what i can do about getting a different package. Like anywhere in the 717 area code is free. That's what my grams got.
I miss everyone!!!!! And guess what!!! Jen is or was in Pa for the weekend!! and I think she said that sophie and someone is getting married/!?!?!? Sophie and Lance?!?!? I was never told any of this!!! I just rechecked and yes, she will be indeed in Pa this weekend! I wonder if she's gonna be anywhere close by!!! that'd be awesome!!! First ummn.. It's a secret! but then Jen?!?! That'd be the best! Congrats Sophie!!!!
My dearest Dollly I miss you!!! I bet you already know that too!!! But I wanna reconfirm how much I miss and love you!!! More than the world!!! :P xoxoxoxoxo
I can't wait to get some net back!! I"ll try to take lots of pictures of homecoming if i can get a disposable camera since my digi is sorta broken.. I gotta go!!
love ya'll
I miss everyone!!!!! And guess what!!! Jen is or was in Pa for the weekend!! and I think she said that sophie and someone is getting married/!?!?!? Sophie and Lance?!?!? I was never told any of this!!! I just rechecked and yes, she will be indeed in Pa this weekend! I wonder if she's gonna be anywhere close by!!! that'd be awesome!!! First ummn.. It's a secret! but then Jen?!?! That'd be the best! Congrats Sophie!!!!
My dearest Dollly I miss you!!! I bet you already know that too!!! But I wanna reconfirm how much I miss and love you!!! More than the world!!! :P xoxoxoxoxo
I can't wait to get some net back!! I"ll try to take lots of pictures of homecoming if i can get a disposable camera since my digi is sorta broken.. I gotta go!!
love ya'll
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Good news!
Hey guys! The internet bill has been paid but leaving me with only 14 bucks. It was like $229 to pay off the bill but it got paid. SO that means I should be getting net back very shortly. :)) That's some GREAT news for some few people! :))
Right at the moment I'm at my friend's house in biglerville staying here until sunday afternoon beacuase tomorrow we are going to the apple Festival. :)
Well for a quick news update I went to an Opera thing this week to learn about opera at the forum in Harrisburg. The only thing I got out of is how the ppl learn how to breathe, by counting 123456789,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,20...etc. I got up to 110 before I had to take a breathe! impressive! oh yes!! The whole time I was watching this lady sing, though, I was thinking of dolly and how overwhelmed she must have felt when she was first learning all this stuff. The young lady sang about this 2 couples and how the one man couldn't stand her x-g/f but then got back together with her after one of his friends got together with this girl. The girl was in search of a light and when she saw this guy willing to help her he invited her into his place to get one but before she left she lost her key on the floor. So they had to look for that in the dark because she never got a light or something like that and the guy found the key but didn't tell her because he didn't want her to leave. To make the story short, the girl died because she was soo sick, she was always cold and all this..
ok I'm now going to sit around waiting for Dolly to get home...
Right at the moment I'm at my friend's house in biglerville staying here until sunday afternoon beacuase tomorrow we are going to the apple Festival. :)
Well for a quick news update I went to an Opera thing this week to learn about opera at the forum in Harrisburg. The only thing I got out of is how the ppl learn how to breathe, by counting 123456789,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,20...etc. I got up to 110 before I had to take a breathe! impressive! oh yes!! The whole time I was watching this lady sing, though, I was thinking of dolly and how overwhelmed she must have felt when she was first learning all this stuff. The young lady sang about this 2 couples and how the one man couldn't stand her x-g/f but then got back together with her after one of his friends got together with this girl. The girl was in search of a light and when she saw this guy willing to help her he invited her into his place to get one but before she left she lost her key on the floor. So they had to look for that in the dark because she never got a light or something like that and the guy found the key but didn't tell her because he didn't want her to leave. To make the story short, the girl died because she was soo sick, she was always cold and all this..
ok I'm now going to sit around waiting for Dolly to get home...
Friday, October 07, 2005
New News
As of the beginning of this week I can't get into either of my mail accounts... well I won't be able to get into my hotmail account by next week no doubt. I DON'T know how often I can actually update anywhere but anywhere. I really miss everybody and I'm not kidding when I say everybody! I've called ppl who I don't usually miss. I'm glad my Dolly is doing well though! well the last time I checked that is. I'm really loving that hat of yours!! its totally got dude!! anyway I HAve to go...
hugs and kisses to all my girls!!!!
nikki
hugs and kisses to all my girls!!!!
nikki
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)