My day was maybe not emotional… but it made me think more. Starting last evening around 7ivsh I made my first phone call for the day. (Lately I’ve been calling people more than usual...) The first person I called was out for dinner or something like that... A few hours later during a commercial I tried to call another one of my friends whom I’ve been trying to reach for the past 3 or 4 days and I got a hold of her the second time I rang yesterday evening. My phone call to her was an important one because there was something I really needed to tell her, feeling guilty as I was, she deserved to know. (Do not worry my readers, if u wish to really know, email.)
The first phone call wasn’t as important but it was someone I did wish to talk to. And that person, I WILL talk to. You know who u are!
This morning, when I woke up, maybe 10 minutes later my dad woke up ( I was with him for the weekend.)
The evening before, my uncle and his girlfriend from Maryland, my aunt and cousin from Florida, all came up to visit with my dad and I and to go through some of my grandma Ampon’s papers that were in Thai along with pictures. (Grams and I have been through her pictures several times before she died) After my aunts and cousin’s department, my uncle left with his g/f again to go pick something up that they were looking for, which turned out to be a laptop for my dad. You will see how this ties in.
So this morning, my dad wakes up and asks why I love him. In reply, I said, because you are my father.
“But I am a bad father. I am an alcoholic…” and such he replied.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t love you”
…..”Tim bought me a laptop. Why do you all love me??”
“I don’t know. Because we do”
“Think about why you love me. Unlock the keys to life.”
I don’t want to know why I love you, nor do I care, I thought.
A few moments later he was in tears, probably because he was baffled by the fact that we love him??
“Dad, go to bed. It’s too early for u to be up. You are very emotional”
I am not one that my family should go to for emotional support. I am not very great at it for some reason. Well, with my immediate family, I should say. I seem to be pretty cold and unemotional… (But its quite the contrary with my friends. I am very supportive of them and am always open for them if they need a shoulder.) He not going back to bed, I resumed my TV. watching as he layed on the bed to watch me.
“Give me something.” I threw him my blanket. “No part of you”
????? went across my mind. WHAT?? I gave him my arm and he was happy. (I suppose)
Once again, I’m not a big person on cuddling and such with my mom and dad... it just doesn’t feel natural between us, if the truth must be told.
Moments later he said something and in reply I think I said, or maybe I thought, I try not to get attached to my family because I don’t want to end up losing them and becoming extremely depressed.
And now, as I think about it, why do I allow myself to become close to my friends. What would happen if one of them passed? I am sure my world would come to an end... at least emotionally. I would be torn and by the end I would be completely drained. They are such a big part of my life, and such a large influence on me, why do I allow them to effect me unlike my family. I do care for them both, but not in the same way. I would not want to lose either of them. Maybe it is because my family is so much closer to me just because they are family. I do not know.
So the question now is why am I more affectionate to my friends more than my family. And the thing to think about is my dad and all that is happening with him. OH! Btw new test results are in and he is expected to live another year and maybe the year after that. (Earlier, we didn’t know if he was expected to live through this bday which I sin may. He’s gotten a few tests done in the last couple months and not many of them were turning out for the better. I was not going to worry about it however because if he was going to pass then that was His will and there is nothing that I can do to stop it and I don’t want to stop it. He has lived and seen and suffered, why go through more?
And so the second thought of the day was between my auntie and me. The two of us had a heart to heart email conversation over the past, at least, three hours. And this I don’t want to go into any detail in. AND I know I just said that I am not affectionate with my family but I think my auntie is an exception because she is more than family. Her and I are great friends and we have shared many things that my mother and I haven’t even though it would be more like a mother daughter conversation. My auntie’s and my conversations are as if she was MY mother, like many people’s aunts are. We have heart to hearts frequently, I think but some of them affect me more deeply than others and this past one was one. So my auntie, if u ARE indeed reading, I LOVE YOU!!!
On another subject, theres some things that have been in question for me lately since I have entered some ‘new territory’ and have become a little I don’t know what yet… And then there is what I talked to my friend about last night around 9pm. Am I a person to be trusted and AM I responsible? The question now arises how ‘good’ am I, really? Am I as good as everyone makes me out to be or am I otherwise… I need to make a decision as to who/what I am because camp IS coming up and I need to be ready to serve God to the truest.
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