TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	nikki
Birthday:	feb. 3
Birthplace:	Gaithersburg, MD
Current Location:	Mech. PA
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'1"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Thai, Indian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	black sneakers
Your Weakness:	hmmn.. I have a lot of them.. :$
Your Fears:	Hurting someone deeply
Your Perfect Pizza:	Meat lovers and buffalo wing something...
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	no caffiene..
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	can't i sleep?
Your Best Physical Feature:	i dunno...
Your Bedtime:	depends if i'm reading or chatting
Your Most Missed Memory:	anything to do with Camp
Pepsi or Coke:	pepsi?
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither!
Single or Group Dates:	either are fun (thats if i ever go out!)
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	anything tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	no
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	of course!
Do you want to get Married:	some day...
Do you belive in yourself:	depends...
Do you get Motion Sickness:	not really..
Do you think you are Attractive:	possibly...
Are you a Health Freak:	sometimes
Do you get along with your Parents:	not really
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love them with a passion!!
Do you play an Instrument:	yes, Violin, a lil piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no.. sadly...
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no but i'd like to sometime..
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	umm.. saving someone??
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	teach, social worker something like that..
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many...
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Where was I?

I was indeed not available to a computer and I wish i could have let ya'll know before I left that i wasn't going to be home all week long. Well, I wasn't. I was at my dad's taking care of my grandma Ampon. I was cleaning and doing laundry and I was making Lobster alfredo (that was last night). BUT while i was there and i DID have free time I went to the post office twice. Once to mail out a letter and the second time to mail out a very special package. I went to wally world and did a little bit of shopping.. and then I went to Michaels and did some shopping. I got double sided tape and photo squares (like emily's) and I was tempted to get a cropper although i have a cutting board that works just fine. Thus allowing me to start my scrapbook the moment i returned to my dads apt. So for the next two days i worked on my fab. scrapbook. I completed 6 pages and there are 2 pages still in progress. one which is Emily yancers because i promised her. She has one of the cutest pages! Simple but cute. Emily has a total of...3 pages just for her and 3 pages that have at least a picture of her in it. :D oh! and i did a Gina dedicatioin page. I almost forgot about that.. I'm still working on Dolly's dedication page. I dont have all the stuff i need for it.. anyway thats what i did.

When I returned I was welcomed by 13 emails by my most loved people! (not including Emily, she never EVER talks to me.. She hates me.. i'm almost certain..) I spent the morning reading my wonderful emails and printing out two of them.. One that was 4pages long!! My marvelous Katie sent it and i'm still working on it!

Up til' Midnight perhaps? Maybe past..

School is officially out for the rest of this year until 2006! Now that school is done with for now I may stay up as long as I please! I can talk to people in the wee hours of the morning, read for as long as I like and play with my violin as long as I like. I can sleep in and I can clean my room (which REALLY needs it!!) I can play with my brother, and talk to my friends too! So now that I have this freedom for a short while I will take full advantage of it! I can work on my scrapbook from camp, and i never thought I would really continue it either..But i certainly dont want to wait another five years to finish it! ALl i need is some pictures from my oh so sweet Brad! :))Though there is a downfall... I have another assignment from Writer's Workshop and I haven't yet decided what I wanted to do (as always). BUT theres another upside! I might go to Maryland for a day or two, I havent asked my parents yet though. My grams should be coming to PA until the 3rd so if i did go down i'd prob. stay with my auntie! that would be AWESOME! OH! i forgot to mention that my dearest auntie might stop in tomorrow. :)) This will be the first EVER!
In case I don't blog again... I wish you ALL Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
So if you are willing to stay up and talk with me give me a holla! Or if you just wanna chat for a little while, I'll be all ears. I'm out!

These are Precious moments

I see your eyes are troubled, care to share your time with me? This quote is one of my favorites today.

Anway, i'm in the process of actually starting my personal essay! In the past hour i've accomplished on whole sentence!! I'm at such a great start! aren't I? rough draft is due wednesday. ummn.. well i guess i'm gonna go actually because i really do need to get started on this rough draft.. I will write a blog out later on tonight possibly and i'll type it up as soon as i have a chance to do so.
Until then, I wish you ALL Merry Christmas!!
I also send my love to miss katie, Emily, Dolly, Laura and Mr. Peter, Jeremy, Frank, Ryan, and doll's hot Bro!! ;) ok i'm off for now! tootles!

a quick side note

ok so the last 2 posts weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be. I guess its because i spent all my energy on my mom. That's what I'll blame it on anyway! ;)

To contintue...

For the remaining of the morning I tried hard to stay out of my grandma’s sight. She didn’t seem to be in a good mood this morning. She and I are terribly alike it sometimes scares me. She and I both do not want to be bothered in the morning. By the time she was done with whatever she wanted to get done with whatever she wanted to get done she seemed to be in a better mood.

When she left to go to the store I finished another book and then kept working on my story. I called dad to find out what mom told him about going to Maryland too. He said that mom called at 3am (she calls at all hours of the day) to tell him we were going to be leaving at 9am for Maryland. I then informed him we were not going like we planned but he said he needed to go down to make sure she was going to be in good health. He had already asked my mom to take me but she said no.

So anyway, even though mom and I weren’t going down to Maryland she must have spent the entire day ‘out’. When I did finally go up home to type up the story due for class tomorrow she wasn’t home. She did come home later on though… not too long after me either. She was the way she usually is when she comes home from being ‘out’. This did not please me any more. I would have to sit and listen to her accuse me of things that I was not guilty of and her talking would require my full attention thus not allowing me to type my story. I tried hard to bite my tongue… but I failed… The only thing I did manage to accomplish was supposedly lying to her, getting grounded for I don’t know what and I don’t know what from, and a tiny bit of yelling and cursing. I always seem to fail when it comes to things such as not using potty mouth, drinking caffeine and not keeping my trap shut. How ever do I manage? I’m plainly not happy with myself. I try to be good, I really do! I sometimes do not know how some people do it. -Only through Him.

I said I'd try

It is not easy being good, you know, especially when you are among people who must find it amusing to see one be on the verge of raging out of control. I daresay I am not a person to quarrel with. If you have ever been in that position with me I am terribly sorry, especially if you have been so unlucky to quarrel with me today. My patience was short, indeed. Now, my readers, if you wish you may now leave while I do some venting. I do warn you though as I have failed to do in the past.

It started at 5:30 this morning, at the butt crack of dawn. My alarm went off. I reached for my phone and smiled as I saw a ‘Golden’ background on it. It was one a friend had shared with me. I turned it off and then lay in bed for another few moments while I decided whether to stay in bed to go to Maryland later in the morning or if I should just go to school and if we were indeed going to go to Maryland today then they could call for me at school. I did not want to miss another moment of school. It is already hard to miss what I have. By the time I do return it will take me a while to actually get the information I need from my teachers to do my make-up work and until I review everything I missed I will be sitting in a few classes completely lost thus making it harder to catch up on just one day.

Around 8:30 my grandma came in to inform me that my mom had supposedly said that were not going to Maryland and she had told me this yesterday. This is certainly not what she had said just the previous day. She said that even though her car was not in the best shape to do any long distance traveling if my grandmother wanted us in Maryland because she’s in the hospital we would go. Allow me to fill you in. I did get the strength (because I was crying on the chance of my grandma not making it out of the hospital) to call her and I asked her if she wanted us down there as much as I wanted to be by her side. She said she did want us to come down. Anyway, by now I was well into my first class but I could still go into school. No, I was unable to go on the account of my mom not being home to take me and my grandma, I know, would unwilling me take me. (that’s after she spends 30minutes complaining to me) 8:30am and I was already about to argue with my grandma on what was said and what was not said.

I will explain more later.. I must go..

A week or so has come and gone now and I still have no subject to write about.. my friend, Nicole told me to do another free write just after i did one in class. I didn't enjoy writing what I was but it was all I had.. I will say it was something that had recently happened in a conversation. That is what thrilled me the least. I try to not write about other people but latelys that's what it's been coming down to, writing about them. The first one I wrote in the 1st person and the second one was in 3rd person and I did not find either something that will ever leave from my hands. In a way I feel like that woman from A window across the river except for I already know it's about them or something of that kind. :(

Tomorrow is my day of shopping! I'm going out for stamps, stuff for my new project, a nursing uniform, a new pair of silky pj bottoms, and i'm soo tempted to go find something for my dearest Doll... sigh... I am still on a hunt for something for Katie but if i don't find anything this round then i guess i'm bum out of luck. another sigh.. I don't know what she likes.. I know she likes horses and thats about it.. anything country. I've given up on finding something for Emily... cousin emily is too hard to shop for even though i got her one thing already, and camp Emily i don't know what she likes and I don't know where she is either.. what is a girl to do?

What i have is between a sinus infection and an ear infection. I'm hoping it'll go away soon.. I wanna swim this week. My friend said she'd bring in some plugs for my ears. :)

That's all folks

I was here

I know i said i wouldn't be around on mondays or fridays but here i am. I just wanted to let ya'll know i'm doin well. Thinkin bout Kt and getting that CD of hers... Also been thinking about the phrase "Got up dog?" and its return saying. Good times... Sorta missing Jeremy and Frank.. Only the people who know them truely know how much fun they are! :*

Anyway i'm still working on my story but i finished my write-up for class. :D I'm still reading Jude and I started another book too..

So now I must go... I gotta get crackin on this story! Then i'll go stretch for a little while to get relaxed....

last night

i had a wonderful night!! I can't say why but i did! I spent the majority of it up at my computer thinking about my story but not writing anything, and talking to a someone. I got her. It was mean though... and i sorta feel bad for doing it... But she knows i love her and always will.. I cannot get mad at her nor is it possible for her to hurt me. I was at first shocked that she would stay up that long, for well.... it will remain in my head while the rest of you guess... Anyway, to that someone, I love you, you are beautiful!! you are a beautiful beast!! ;) i don't care what you look like i still love you and know you are beautiful! i mean c'mon... look in the mirror... it's you we are talking about...
Although i didn't get crap done i'm glad i spent all night right here at my desk with papers scattered everywhere, laundry waiting to get done and stories waiting to be written. I'm glad i have a nameless friend who i love very much.. lets do some recalling.. since i saved THIS conversation..it's 27pages long! i'd clean this entire house, my grandma's house, do roofing, try my darnest to get As in every class, i'd start violin again, i'd get new strings for my violin too, i'd tutor, i'd sing, i'd dance, i'd bend every which way humanly possible. i'd give her a certain hottie (Jeremy, even though i love him! ;), i'd get up, go to school, come home and go to work, come home around 8 get h/w done, clean up houses, and go to bed... i'd skip my reading.. i'd get rid of ALL my teddy bears... and barbie dolls and porcelain dolls, i'd jump of a bridge!! with a bundgy cord of course so i could live to see this person. now, keep in mind i'd prob. do the same for let see... Jen. B if i could find a cure for crohn's, for Gina, Dolly, Jenny,Jeremy, Frank, Katie and Emily if the need be, if it would make their lives better i'd prob. sacrifice myself if it weren't such a sin..


Dear Jeremy!
oh my Jeremy! i didn't even realize you read my blog. if i could have put you but at the same spot i would have! you BOTH are amazing!!! but if it matters to you that much i'll put you FIRST on my list!!! :D You'd beat Katie! It was just when ever i thought of you.. when thers Frank there's Jeremy.. Be happy you are in a frame on my dresser and you are in my binder with your own page AND you're in my notes everynow and again when i get bored in class....
missin' you much! love ya!

Peter,
I thought about putting you on my list but i'm trying to stop living such a dangerous life! ;)

I didn't know a whole 3 or 4 people actually read my blog from time to time! I will have to find more exciting things to write about!

I will update again once i get home cause i have something saved there on my puter but i just wanted to say hi and tell my Doll i love her! xoxoxoxo ok ppl have a good day today. I should be around tonight!
Right now i'm busy doing research on the Planned Parenthood v. Casey in Civics class. The question the supreme court had to consider was that if a woman wanted an abortion should they have to wait one day and if they weren't 18 years of age they woulod have to get a parents consent but if the woman was married she'd have to notify her husband and her intention of the abortion.

You are beautiful Dolly!!! and remember you could never hurt me cause i know you would never intentionally do that!:D kocham cie

A headache a day

everyday when i sit down and start writing at the computer i get this throbing headache... I just started taking something for it yesterday cause otherwise i'd probably be laying down doing nothing valuable with my time. I've been working on my story for who knows how long... its just now getting started and most of the story thus far has to do with the horses at camp and the trails there. Theres not much of a plot to it right now but its forming.. my interview writing is still in the process of being written down on paper.

I sadly have nothing more to say for today other than missing my Katie, My Emily, my Erin and my Dolly...i also miss reading good books... i'm boud to find one soon...

Also, when i do go to the library i'm going to try to hit the mall again soon so tell me what you want for christmas and i'll try my best to get it for you!!(Dolly and katie) i can't make a good decisioin on my own this year! :'(

Tioday is National Love day!

To all the people I love!!! (in no particular order) this is long btw

1. Katie C
2. Erin H.
3. Dolly P.
4. Shelby (both of you)
5. Jen (all of you)
6. Jenny (all of you)
7. Kaisy
8. Aaron
9. Amy
10. Ryan
11. Emily Y.
12. Renee
13. Melanie
14. Karen
15. Kaylee
16. Frank
17. Jeremy
18. Jiffer
19. Gina J
20. Gina B.
21. Laura
22. Ali
23. Abby
24. Sasha
25. Anna H.
26. Christina
27. Jeannette
28. Heather
29. Sophie
30. Tara
31. Karol or Carol
32. Kelsey N.
33. Katie
34. Rai
35. Valerie
36. Lexi
37. Kirsten
38. Andi
39. My auntie
40. Kim
41. My MICHELLE!!! ;)
I can' think of ALL my girls! but these are the ones that came to mind

ok now that we got that, I love you all!!!

I'm still thinking about what I should write about.. its probably not going to be any of those things i said in the previous blog either. And i finally got into my dear Erin's blog!! How amazing!! she's got TONS of pictures!!!
ok i'm off... i gotta write... :'(

Is it just me?

I feel kinda stupid for bringing this up but i think My uncle tim is talking to my bestfriend.. Which btw really bothers me..A lot....It's either Tim is pushing my buttons to really Piss me off or he's really chatting with Dolly... There's lots of things i don't like about him and the last thing i want is Dolly and my uncle to have ne type of relationship. I should really know Dolly well enough.. but i don't know!! I can't sign into MSN and that doesn't help any... My uncle is really ticking me off...

Anyway, i think i have found a good album because of wonderful Katie. I might just go buy it too!

In other news i'm starting my 2,000 word story.. its between..and its due next tuesday!! ugh!!!
war in iraq
a girl and her struggles with acceptance into a high prestigious school in France/Germany/Poland
A mother's life changes after she was raped when she was young
and, Lewis' father is expected to die before his next birthday. The father worries about his son finding the rigth path in life since he is still very young.

So anyway, over the weekend i read 2 and 1/2 books. I finished white horses and Green angel and i started Gifts and The private life of mona lisa.
ok i gotta figure out what i wanna do with myself.. i'm sick of math, and i'm really angry at my uncle. Dolly left out of no where.. stopped talking to me out of no where... I have that stupid 2,000 word story that's not even taking any form in my head and i have a interview write up which i haven't started yet. I need to finish those books too... i've only read 33 books through the entire year.. oh!! and my civics teacher was nice to me this morning so that was good. it started my day off going the right direction.:D

Daughers

"Daughters"

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [x3]

and...
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry..
have you ever needed something soo bad you can't sleep at night
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
have you ever, have you ever

What they Say

I thought thanksgiving was going to be good since mom's b/f was going to be at work and mom promised me she wouldn't have him for thanksgiving. Yea, stupid me, I believed her. How could I think i could actually have a nice thanksgiving. nuff said...I didn't eat and I sat in my room going through all my pix while dowloading the ones from Pete.

On the good side this morning I slept in because, for one it snowed last night and for two i had a nice dream. All I remember is that Emily was in it and she came to see me or something like that.. The night before i dreamed about Doll coming to visit and staying with me. First, I think we were being chased all through the house.. except it wasn't my house.. it had staircases and doors coming out of nowhere. When we finally got away from watever was chasing us i went to make my bed.. for what reason i dunno..prob. cause i dont like a bed thats not made. Doll came in to help and i said if she wanted to stay the night i'd put fresh sheets on the bed and she could stay in my bed and once i finished making the bed i was all hers for the rest of the day. Sadly I had to wake up from my dream.. :( They say what you dream about will never actually happen in real life, what happens in your dreams is the complete opposite...:'( which made me even sadder when I came to realize that.. I wish it could have been her beating me up, but not after leaving me forever to stay in Poland never talking or wanting to hear from me ever again.. and her telling me she didn't love me and she thought i was the most sensitive and annoying person she's ever met on the face of this earth. Of course, if that happened in real life i'd be totally crushed and i'd shoot myself on the spot. anyway, if that was a dream thats what i would want it to be because if what they say is true then i want nightmares the rest of my life!!!

Now for a couple of good quotes I would like to share..
"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, 'til I'm going to need somebody to lean on."
- "Lean On Me"
"Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there'd be no world left of me."
- Leann Rimes
"Hey my friend, I see your eyes are troubled, care to share your time with me?"
- Dave Matthews Band
"Take my hand, and hold on tight, don't let go, don't you dare even try, there are so many roads to travel, so much still to find, and with the help of our lord, I want you to help me try and reach for the sky."
-Marty Keith

"Let me be the one you call If you jump, I will break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone"
-Crash and Burn by Savage Garden -Sent in by Ashley

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me"
-Chasing Amy

"I pull you from your tower, take away your pain, show you all the beauty you posess if you'd only let yourself believe"
-Sarah Mclachlan

"If I had only one friend left, i'd want it to be you."
-Paul Overstreet.

Caught like a leaf in the wind
Lookin' for a friend
Where can you turn
Whisper the words of a prayer and you'll find Him there
Arms open wide, love in His eyes
Jesus - He meets you where you are
Jesus - He heals your secret scars
All the love you're looking for is Jesus
The friend of a wounded heart
-by Wayne Watson from his song "Friend of a Wounded Heart"

"As we go on.. We remeber... All the times, we had together... As our lives change...come whatever We will still be friends 4-Ever "
-Vitamin C~Graduation Day Song

Every now and then we find a special friend, who never lets us down, who understands it all, reaches out each time you fall, you're the best friend that I've found."
-Jordan Hill - "Remember Me This Way"

"For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm...I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on...for everything you do, for everything thats true, I turn to you."
-Christina Aguilera (I Turn to You)
" When I'm lost in the rain, In your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way And when I'm scared, losing ground When my world is going crazy You can turn it all around and when I'm down you're there Pushing me to the top You're always there, giving me all you've got "
-Christina Aguilera (I Turn to You) -Sent in by Ashley Delpidio

To be thankful

This year I have many upon many things to be thankful for and none of it could have happened without God.

My List:
First and above all these others.. even though i have dolly as number one(knowing someone died for us to save us AND knowing God will come back to get us so we may live with him)
1. Dolly and Kaylee
2. Allowing Dorota to stay in Poland for 10 more years
3. All the wonderful friends I have
4. Mom and I getting along (period)
5. To be able to go to BMA next year
6. A family learning to love
7. Mom coming to her senses
8. Dad still alive
9. Ampon still healthy for the most part
10. Seeing and staying with my auntie as long as I did as well as becoming even closer with her.
11. My wonderful middle school teachers
12. Miss. Emily and her gorgeous self!
13. if still being able to keep in contact with doll counts
14. books!!
15. Katie and all her love she's given me.
16. letting me live with grandma
17. Laura (enough said)
18. people who care about one another
19. music
20. Being free from disease
21. Being in a free country
22. Having internet to keep in contact with long distance friends
23. A bible at hand when I need it
24. Guy friends
25. teddy bears to cry on
26. patience (with some things)
27. pictures of the friends I miss! (all the ppl i don't get to see on the daily basis)
28. education(school)
29. A thing called caffiene (although i've forbid myself from it! :(( )
30. A camera to capture special moments
31. Forgiveness
32. LLC
33. bunnies (they can be cute!)

There's more.. I'm just too tired to type anymore!

Missing my Katie and Emily!! can't wait to see/talk to u again!

Let the owner take charge

I was reading in a book about daily devotionals for body, mind and spirit came across this one and liked it enough to post it right here in my blog.

I know to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For, I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me strength. Phil 4:12, 13, NLT

If you’ve ever felt stress, compare your life with the apostle Paul’s: “ I have worked harder, been put in jail more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. Five diff. times the Jews gave me 39 lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled many weary miles. I have faced danger from flooded rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the jews, as well as from the gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the stormy seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be Christians but are not. I have lived with weariness and pain and sleepless nights. Often I have been hungry and thirsty and have gone without food. Often I have shivered with cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm. Then, besides all this I have the daily burden of how the churches get along? (2 cor. 11:23-28, NLT). I was Paul able to hand all this? He didn’t He let God do it!! (Phil. 4:12, 13)

Pretend you are an employee of a large business owned by a single proprietor. You’re working on a multimillion-dollar deal that will either make or break the company. Every decision and action is critical. But you don’t have to worry about it because the owner is in control. You trust that he knows what he’s doing. Everything is in his hands, not yours.
You can have that same peace every day by relying on the infinite power, strength, and wisdom of your savior. You don’t have to be stressed out and sink under the load of your trials and responsibilities- let the Owner take charge!!!!

“When we can…rest confidingly in His love and shut ourselves in with Him, resting peacefully in His love, the sense of his presence will inspire a deep, tranquil joy. This experience gains for us a faith that enables us not to fret, not to worry, but to depend upon a power that is infinite. We shall have the power of the Highest with us…. Jesus stands by our side….As the trials come, the power of God will come with them (Ellen G. White, My life today, p. 184)

Exercise those trust muscles and let God carry the load.
Rise Rafferty

Fitforever by Kay Kuzma
pg. 115 (April 15th )

By the way Dolly, if your writing is SOO bad then why do I have an entire book of nothing but your publishings?!?!? tell me that!! ;) love ya babe!!

I what I did

While waiting all day long today, starting at 8 when I woke up I read a little bit, found a nice book Dolly might enjoy, and cleaned my room!! I spent 3 hours cleaning it up from one corner to the next. I put clean sheets on my bed, vacuumed, dusted every corner, unscrewed all my windows but one, polished the furniture, put away clothes, picked up all the gunk off the floor, organized under my bed a little, put a cover on an old book.. that plastic stuff.. I sharpened my pencils, talked to amy, updated myself on other peoples blogs, talked to kelsey and Gabby Marie, and talked to Jennie. I fixed my blue lamp, cleaned up around and behind my computer, reorganized everything under my desk from when it got destroyed..I also had an oppurtunity to check all my mail, delete old messages from my inbox, write some more notes for inside letters, decided on what i was and wasn't buying for people for christmas. Got talked out of getting anything for Dolly... WHich i think will end up changing...downloaded a picture of the lake at camp, cleaned all my windows and mirrors, found some installation stuff for my new laptop that i'm getting. (hopefully) But when it comes down to it i did barely anything.. all I did was clean my room.. I didn't clean the living room, I didn't clean the kitchen and i definitely didn't clean the bathroom like i usually do. But i did help do some dishes this morning at my grams house! And after i finished everything i sat and waited for Dolly, who never showed! SO I spent the whole day with my mom, cleaned my room and didn't go to my cousin's bday party that was at 2 so i could talk to Dolly like i said I would...
oh!! i'm finally getting my mail that someone sent me!!:)) I like the second choice! not the book!! no book will beat what was on the otherside!! ;) Everybody wants independence itself!! ;) I should see what i can do about downloading all this stuff to a disk at school or at the library since its faster.. I will see what I can do!

Remember I won't be here tomorrow!! So don't look for me!

since noon

After my mom came back from the store i came up to the house to maybe read the la boheme opera and check my email.. It is safe to say i did check my mail but i decided not to read the opera yet. Instead i figured, while waiting for my big little sister I will do some major cleaning in my room. :))

Now that i found my tape i am 31in around the waist.

I finished another book by alex flinn, fade to black and I started Pride and Prejidice but i dont think i will finish that book. I might just go pick up the postman again and read that.. I dunno... Maybe i should just start from A and read all the books to Z. ;) ok i'm off to finish cleaning my room while i wait.

As of today mom and I made two days out of the week in which I would not be here and I could live with so that her boyfriend could be here. So on Monday's and Fridays I will not be on the computer or the internet.Anything you want you'll need to call me. if you can't call me then i guess you're bum out of luck huh? Don't look for me those days. Every other day count on me being on!! i'll try my hardest to be online by 3:45 but no promises. Sometimes my grandma needs me to do something before I come up so it takes a little longer.

This coming Saturday evening I'm going Christmas shopping!! I ALMOST know what I want to get the selected few but it might be hard to get it to them if they're in Nebraska and Massachusetts and Maryland and Poland. I can't promise I will be able to send these people their stuff right away... :( sigh... they might just get it a little after christmas... I'm still debating because of all the postal costs! i think i'll cancel out the trip to Poland and send something a bit smaller than the last package.. i just found some stuff but it'll take the same size box as the last one... maybe i'll stick to the orginal plan...ugh... too much stuff i wanna get for these people but just not enough money and time!!! i still have december.. i have about 10days in december for somethings and almost 20 for others... i will work something out.. I can't wait to go shopping!!

What bugs me

I have been finding a gray and black dusty gift on my desk lately and wonder why its there. There's often a small clear bowl beside it where i find more of its contents. I find it quite desturbing to have my room smell like smoke. It is not a nice gift and I wish the person that left it there would stop. My room is not an ashtray!!!! But since I do not really don't live her anymore there is not much i can do to stop it.

To sum things up in my room it is not how i left it. I just wrote a paragraph but decided to delete it instead. So i will leave it at that..

I do not no much about fasting or much about fasting and my religion but my cousin wanted me to fast with her. Do not ask why... I have looked it up in the bible several time but i can never remember why it is we fast. But i do know, you don't eat! So, I will be fasting this entire week from monday to friday. I will at least try. It can not be all that hard.

To my Emily Y.:

I wonder where you are every single day! Will i ever find you!??!?! You are making this quite a challenge for me! You must be out there somewhere!! Earth to Emily S.Y.!!! Find a computer, or better yet, find a phone!!!! First call Katie, then call me. I WILL find you!!!

how i wish!

Random post!

Things I wish:
Above all: Be with God in heaven!
1. To be no child abuse
2. to let every person know what they have done to affect another person in their lifetime.
3. For Jen. to be healthy
4. For all things to go well with Dolly
5. For Dolly to find her moment of Clarity!
6. No dirty feet! ;)
7. All Camp ppl to live together or be close by
8. if not #7 then for Camp to go on all year round with out having to pay 210 bucks a week!
9.For my gram's health
10. For each person to know how much they are truely valued
11. Horses and Tigers everywhere
12. To go to Poland and France
13. To go to BMA
14. To go to Union or Southern
15. to be 18yrs. old.
16. The rich to help the needy
17. to fly
18. For everytime i thought of someone they would be there
19. For everytime someone needed a friend I could be there
20. A billion Daisies for Katie
21. For Teachers to know they are important
22. For everyone to be loved

TO Doll: Sorry I didn't talk to ya! I did wait thought! like 3 hours!!! Anway I hope you had a good day! xoxoxoxo muah!

its been forever

WEll!! I got my report card! ALL As and Bs. Which means Honor roll.

I've been working on a list of things for christmas presents to send to some the chosen few i wanted to spend on. :)) (mainly cause of budget! trust me if i had enough of time, money and creativity i'd get ALL my friends something...) I've been trying to figure something out for Emily Y. to send to her but i haven't thought of anything good.. I thought about chocolate covered strawberries so she'd remember our last night at camp and send it overnight or.. ummn.. let me look.. chocolate..A teddybear (since i love them!!) But i haven't really thought of anything good and with meaning to it since for one i don't know what she likes.. i made a list of what i did know and this is what i came up with...

teasing
chocolate
green
give wedgies
crafts including scrapbooking
and God

So i'm pretty limited.. I was looking for some sort of way to get to her but.. no.... Can you believe with all the camp ppl i know including staff not ONE person has heard from her??!?!?! I started to get worried and then gave up on it cause I was getting no where. I asked everyone!!! I emailed everyone!!! but then i couldn't email them cause my puter froze and i ran out of time to get back on.. :(( I'm going to ask around again to find out some things Em likes.. hopefully i'll get somewhere... I gotta make sure i still got her address.. and zipcode... katie this is where you will come in!! My dear katie!!

Ummn.. Lets see here.. who else.. There was Katie and cousin emily and my auntie. I haven't made a definite on this but i need to work out some budget arrangements so I spend just about an even amount on everyone and still have left over of some kind.. i have what.. 200 and i only wanna spend half that on everyone. I really cut back on who i got this winter because i usually over do it. I LOVE getting presents for people!!! I wish i could give ppl gifts all year long but i'd be totally broke if i went that way.. thats why i have to stay away from shopping cause i NEVER go home without something for someone else!!! My cousin, who often goes with me has to walk around with me and make sure I don't buy anything for someone else when the money is ment for my own spending... That's when she can catch me!!! :D

ummn.. I made some new pages in my notebook. I made one for..Katie, Dolly, Jeremy and Frank and Amy and Ryan and GinaDawn!! My back pages are Jen. F and Melissa and A prayer list along with another list of books to read or books i should look into. something like that..

Nothing exciting happening... Have been reading like crazy.. and thats it..let me think...what else. I got my hair done! i have to do a few things to fix it up a bit but other than that I'm good.
Mom and I haven't been fighting so that's also a plus.

Day of Blessings!

My sweetest and most treasured friend Dolly has made it!!! 10 years in Poland!! All that praying payed off and I have God to thank for every last bit that he did for Doll! Yes, YeS, YES!!!

As you may or may not know I had Math midterms today!! I was dreading them to a great extent up until I actually started the test. There were 30 questions. To my suprise they were not at all hard ones, like I expected! I finished it feeling as if i've done my best on it and prayed that I did well. The rest of the class period I listened to my wonderful camp CD and prayed that Dolly had yet another good day and asking God to keep her safe and make sure she had everything she needed.

Ok, so before all this, first block an 80 minute class just like the rest, I had a subsitute for Civics. :)) I'd hate to say it but I'm actually glad I had a sub. today or at all. One reason being I knew if we had a sub all we had to do is complete a few worksheets or something. The second being because he wasn't there he coudn't torment me or tease me, something like that..meaning i can't focus completely. So today i got everything done in record time, AND had extra time to read The child called "it".

Jumping back forward to the afternoon, I got to eat lunch today. I feared I might have to wait until i got home (which was just a few hours away)but by then I'd be famished and be eating everything in sight. I had a few bucks in my pocket that I owed a friend for buying me lunch yesterday but I asked her if i could just return the money on Monday when I should have $20. So in the end I ate lunch and one of my other friends split a cappiccino with me for energy this morning.

After lunch was my flex time to do whatever I needed to accomplish. Because Ev. got to my teacher before myself I had to wait to go to the library because only one person can be there from a class at a time, on a 10 min. pass. While I waited I attempted to finish my book but could not do so. My one friend needed some help with the take home test that was do next period and then the other wanted someone to chat with. While waiting for Ev. to return from his daily venture to the library we, my two classmates and myself, discussed same sex relationships. Them knowing I was a christian made it a little confusing for them when I told them i had nothing against 2 people of the same genger having a relationship. I was not about to tell them though that it wasn't wrong from what the bible states, because it is. So anyway, shared our points of view on the topic and concidered how other people feel about it and what they think of it.

So anyway, by the time I got home from school I completed A child called "it" and by the end David had become someone who I admire because he was willing to share his story with everyone and because of the things he lived through. I mean come on.... His mother MADE him drink tablespoons of clorox or amnonia and he was put in a closed bathroom full of clorox and amnoia and his mother demanded he cleaned the bathroom with it. He was stabbed, almost burnt alive on the stove and luckily he just got his arm burnt, he lived in the garage, was CALLED AN IT, was NOT considered a member of the family or even a human being. He had to fend for himself,did i mention he was stabbed? His two brothers eventually started to treat him like his mother did, constantly giving him beating even though he did nothing wrong. He was starved, not being fed for the majority of the summer and when he did manage to find something to eat it got taken from him. One time he had found something at school to eat but later threw it up at home in the toilet. His mother caught him made him dig it out, show is father and then EAT IT!!! OH!! it gets worse!! you see he had brothers and at one time one of his brothers was a baby. His mom forced him to eat the kids crap, litterally, but not before he got saturated with the urine from the baby's diaper. HIs mother constantly beat him, was smashed into the mirror several different times, and then had to look at himself in the mirror stating aloud he was a bad boy. By the time he was 8 or so he was convinced he REALLY WAS a bad boy. No matter what it was it was his fault. I'm sorry but if this doesn't wanna make you cry i don't know what would!! Last night i layed in my bed crying while reading what his mother did to him!! OH! i forgot a part. His dad, he lived with them. At first he tried to defend his son but after a while it was useless. And because his father also became an aloholic, at times, because his dad just stood there and watched his son nearly be killed right in front of his eyes, David hated his father even more than his mother!!! It came to the point that David believed in no God at all, hated the sun just becuase it shined, and he wished death upon himself constantly but not just because of what he was put through, because he believed that everything was the way it was was because of him. especially his parent's seperation. This is unbelievalbe!! There is much more!! Much, much more!!! I'm just thankful I don't know anyone personally that has gone thorugh any of this kind of trama. And if they have, oh my goodness... I admire anyone who has been through any kind of this abuse, physical or verbal and still live and contain sanity. If I was told that i was not a human being and I was just an "it", unloved, and unwanted I wouldn't even want to see the next sunrise. I would find a way to have my self killed. What would the point of living if you are unloved? You don't believe in a God anymore and your unloved!!! I admire those people who have lived through abuse of anykind and are still sane. Still are optomistic and still believe in a God who loves them with all his heart. I admire those who is brave enough to tell their story and be able to move on. I didn't even mention that David now has kids and wonderful wife. He also worked for the airforce and never gave up. Both his parents died too. I admire those who go and help those who need some up lift because they know what its like. Those people who do something about it. I can't help but to ask during the course of that story why did God allow this to happen to this innocent child? But then, i think twice...In the end to inspire the readers of his great autobiographies of a boy who fought and stayed strong. A boy who always did his best and eventually found someone who loved him and cared for him. A boy who survived the worst I can think of. You think, the men that were put in the firey furnace in biblical times. This young boy at the time survived more than that! he was burnt, yes, but he still survived, he was not killed that day, that and everything else...mman...

Scholastic Writing!

A Short, Short Fiction story
People Who Cared

Mother threw me against the wall, her mother’s drunken stench intensifying as she grew closer to my face, only a half inch away from touching noses. Mother’s hands clutched around my wrists, jamming them high against the wall behind me. I dare not move a muscle or even speak a word. My mother’s grasp would tighten as she spoke to her only daughter, threatening me once again.
My life could change but only I could do it. My best friend Leah and my closest teacher and wonderful friend Ms. Rettger have always been there for me through the toughest times. It took two years before Ms. Rettger gained my trust enough to see behind my confusing smile. Leah couldn’t always physically be there with me but she always, always, pulled me out of the storm and always gave me words of inspiration to keep going. Both of them knew what happened to me at home and both of them did all they could with the little power they had. They wanted my life to change for the better, but ultimately only I could do that, if I dared.
I had wanted to go to court against my mother for years but I could never bring myself to do it. What if the courts supported my mother? Life was bad now, but it would be impossible if I told the truth but still remained with my alcoholic mother. My two friends told me what I would have to do and they assured me a better life awaited than what I had now. What mother has done to me had taken its toll. I have been scarred mentally and physically. I am afraid.
Slam! The front door closes. The house is spotless. The dishes are done and put away. The counters are sanitized and spices are organized. All the furniture has been polished and the floors vacuumed. Everything is clean. I spent the entire afternoon cleaning up after mother’s drunken mess from the evening before.
“Get your ass out here!” she yells. My desk chair swivels as I leave the computer chair and place my unfinished book back on its shelf. I now stand before her, careful to keep my distance. “Right here!” She points directly in front of her. I move to the location she specifies without showing any emotion although I am reluctant to approach her and uncertain about what she might do this time. I think of Leah’s past guidance to stay calm. I have nothing to hide whatever she wants…. This too shall pass… Leah told me no matter what, to keep my mouth shut unless my mother asks any questions, then answer with a calm tone, no matter how scared or angry I am.
I see mother has been drinking again. Her eyes are bloodshot and she is growing very aggressive. There is also a six-pack of beer on the kitchen table. I look at my feet, gaining inner strength, bracing myself for anything and everything to come. I try to excuse my mother’s actions because of her drinking. She has drank all her life, my dad once said, before he walked out, leaving me to her doubtful mercy. I wonder where he is now and if he ever things of me.
In the living room, she tells me it’s my fault for everything that has happened. I am the reason she drinks. She tells me I do nothing around the house and nothing for her. I am a slut too she says. None of this relates in reality. I’m so confused…
Leah understood what I was going through; only she and Ms. Rettger really knew what happened behind the closed doors. Leah has been through the same if not worse circumstances. She too has been scarred. Because she was older than her two sisters she had a great responsibility, protecting her sisters. Her mom would endlessly insult her. She’d tell Leah that she was nothing to the world and nothing to her. Leah once told me that eventually she managed to escape but $30,000 left to her by her grandparents had been taken away from her to buy drugs and alcohol, as had fourteen years of her life. Leah loved me too much to let that happen to me. She didn’t want me to have to live on my own at the age of 14 like she had, needing an income to get herself through school. She knew what it was like to have no one to turn to in her adolescent years. She knew what it was like to go home and feel like no one cared that she had just aced a class that all they cared about was that the house and younger kids were taken care of. She knew what it was like to be unloved and hurt, Leah understood.

A month later I was scheduled to go to court to testify against my mother. Ms. Rettger had had enough. She knew I didn’t have the heart to do it myself and she couldn’t bear to see me come into school and cry to her anymore. She had to do something before I left that school; it was my last year with her. She told me she was going to do all she could and didn’t care if she got fired- she loved me. She had already been warned once to stay out of a student’s home issues but she couldn’t take it anymore.
Ms. Rettger wanted me to testify against mother. She promised that my mother could not hurt me, she would not allow it and neither would the legal system.
I was called to the bench and as I approached the witness chair every eye was on me. As I walked forward, I could feel my mother’s fury. She had told me once never to tell anyone about what she does or she would kill me. She can’t get me. She never can and she never will. I sit in the old brown chair behind the wooden desk. I search deep inside me in hope of some strength. Ms. Rettger and I meet eyes. In her eyes she seems to be telling me, “I love you. You can do this. I have faith in you. You can do this. It will soon be over.”
When I sat down after my story was told I had tears in my eyes. I did it! The worst is over!
A thirty-minute break later, the judge has made his decision for my fate. Leah and Ms. Rettger are on either side of me holding my hand. Ms. Rettger was the one who got me here. She spent every spare minute making phone calls to many people, social services, counselors, and other officials. I was able to get out of the house and stay with Leah until all way over. Mother was at the table beside me glaring at all three of us. I could feel her hate burning my skin.
“The decision had been made,” the judge says. “Other family members have been looked into and I have found that your grandmother will be in your best interest. As of today, Vicky A. Kilmer will be her legal guardian. Case closed!”
I am living with my grandmother now, and everything is much better. At first I was worried that maybe grandmother would just be an older version of my mother, but she isn’t. She is my mother’s mother, but it isn’t her fault that my mother is they way she is. Could it be the alcohol that has made my mother someone to both fear and pity? Could I ever end up like her? Is it in the blood? I resolve never to drink or even taste alcohol, ever! The hell I have lived through ends with me; I will not pass that legacy on to my children.



Poems:
Catnip

Around and around,
Up and down
Off the desk!
You little pest!
Around my feet,
Then around my seat
Watch out for baby Troy!
Chasin’ that catnip toy

Plop! He falls to the floor
Cat I can’t take this anymore
Out you go, with that toy of yours!
I need to finish all my chores.


David(based on the autobiographies the lost boy and My name is dave)

I’m not an “It”
I’m not “The boy”
I’m not your slave
And I’m not your toy
My name is David
I have a life,
I’m not threatened by the kitchen knife.
You’d strike me once
You’d strike me twice
Not one tear filled my eyes
Strike me three times, strike me four
I was as stiff as a concrete board.

You burnt me and beat me,
You’d insult me and not feed me.

I have won and you have not
I told the story of a boy who fought
I’m more than an “it”, more than “The Boy”,
More than your slave and more than your toy.

You can’t be me anymore
Because I escaped from your world.
You don’t control me
Like you once did
I’m not longer your little boy.

I’m grown up now
And I have a life
I even have a little kid and a beautiful wife
My Name is David.

My Hero
My friend and educator
She’s my counselor too
She’s done so much for me
What more could she do?
Her words of wisdom
Help me stay strong
When she talks to me
All my problems float away
Everywhere around me, no one else seems to care
But she, my hero, always and forever will linger near
She kept me alive and she kept me strong.
If it wasn’t for her
I’d probably be gone.
So thank you my dear teacher
For everything you’ve done for me
You are my hero
And forever you will be!

OH YES!!

HECK yeS!!! I have internet at home!!! JUNO!!! Thank you KIMBERLY!!!! If it wasn't for you!!!! ANYWAY!!! To let ya'll know Miss katie has a blog now!!! It is a MUST SEE!! ktcarlson.blogspot.com So Go!!! GO!! GOO!! GO!!!!!

Yes, I do have internet but it is as slow as heck!!! I would much rather hear from you by phone but if that is not possible for you send me some email and I'll get to it! Or better yet IM ME!!!!!! YES!! that is an excellent plan!!! You ALL should be doing that this afternoon when you see me get on around 3:50. :)) anway!!!! I'm going to do some other things... I just wanted to let ya'll know I'm online! for right now that is!!! so everyone, get to a computer this afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!

Love you Dolly and Katie and Gina and Emily!!! And the rest of you of course!! (if i don't mention these few they might feel unloved! ;) )

Sadly I cannot get into my yahoo account anymore but I can still my other! My dad set me up with some internet so I have it by next week.. Well I'll have to install everything and stuff but I should have net! and it will only cost me like $15 a month instead of 70! cause i have verizon and my mom has set up the worst account witht them and next week too I might see what i can do about getting a different package. Like anywhere in the 717 area code is free. That's what my grams got.


I miss everyone!!!!! And guess what!!! Jen is or was in Pa for the weekend!! and I think she said that sophie and someone is getting married/!?!?!? Sophie and Lance?!?!? I was never told any of this!!! I just rechecked and yes, she will be indeed in Pa this weekend! I wonder if she's gonna be anywhere close by!!! that'd be awesome!!! First ummn.. It's a secret! but then Jen?!?! That'd be the best! Congrats Sophie!!!!

My dearest Dollly I miss you!!! I bet you already know that too!!! But I wanna reconfirm how much I miss and love you!!! More than the world!!! :P xoxoxoxoxo

I can't wait to get some net back!! I"ll try to take lots of pictures of homecoming if i can get a disposable camera since my digi is sorta broken.. I gotta go!!

love ya'll

Good news!

Hey guys! The internet bill has been paid but leaving me with only 14 bucks. It was like $229 to pay off the bill but it got paid. SO that means I should be getting net back very shortly. :)) That's some GREAT news for some few people! :))

Right at the moment I'm at my friend's house in biglerville staying here until sunday afternoon beacuase tomorrow we are going to the apple Festival. :)

Well for a quick news update I went to an Opera thing this week to learn about opera at the forum in Harrisburg. The only thing I got out of is how the ppl learn how to breathe, by counting 123456789,10,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,20...etc. I got up to 110 before I had to take a breathe! impressive! oh yes!! The whole time I was watching this lady sing, though, I was thinking of dolly and how overwhelmed she must have felt when she was first learning all this stuff. The young lady sang about this 2 couples and how the one man couldn't stand her x-g/f but then got back together with her after one of his friends got together with this girl. The girl was in search of a light and when she saw this guy willing to help her he invited her into his place to get one but before she left she lost her key on the floor. So they had to look for that in the dark because she never got a light or something like that and the guy found the key but didn't tell her because he didn't want her to leave. To make the story short, the girl died because she was soo sick, she was always cold and all this..

ok I'm now going to sit around waiting for Dolly to get home...

New News

As of the beginning of this week I can't get into either of my mail accounts... well I won't be able to get into my hotmail account by next week no doubt. I DON'T know how often I can actually update anywhere but anywhere. I really miss everybody and I'm not kidding when I say everybody! I've called ppl who I don't usually miss. I'm glad my Dolly is doing well though! well the last time I checked that is. I'm really loving that hat of yours!! its totally got dude!! anyway I HAve to go...

hugs and kisses to all my girls!!!!

nikki

Still Alive, but barely!

I just want to let you all know I'm still alive! I had yet another breakdown yesterday but because my mom was giving me a hardd time, the usual, but this time I guess it got to me.. I feel strong but when it comes down to it i guess I'm not. In the end though, I just missed Dolly,Laura and Em even more... I spent a good bit just laying on my bed holding my bunny, and camp bear in one hand, bible at my head, notebook to the right of it, and my picture of Dolly in me in the other hand. Its horrible that I''ve been soo touchy and emotional lately...

School is fine and I'm about to head up to the library in a few seconds i Just wanted to tell ya'll i'm OK! Mom sorta lost her job but then I heard she quit.. eitherway shes jobless for time being. She says she got another job already and her hours are changed to where she's home when I'm home which is sorta a good thing. :) :$ Ok i'm going!! I got only a few minutes!!

Not soo good

Yesterday was not one of my better ones, let me tell you. I plainly was not in the mood to associate with anyone but Dolly and/or Emily. Ok... not just them but Laura, Emily G. or anybody eslse of importance to me that day.

When I got home I was not in any better a mood either. Lets just say I was crabby. like don't touch me get out of my way and don't look at me type of way. I suppose I needed to do some writing or something... After I got food in me and my mom bought me a sub and some trail mix I was doing a little brtter. OH and boy was I confused. When i went home, mom was home and I completely ignored her looked in on my room, prepared myself for a disaster area and got the things I need. Mom was all nice to me though and I wasn't at all sure why. Now thinking about it, she didn't have any idea how ticked off I had been at her for the past few days considering I have no internet and she was supposed to be getting it back on that past paycheck and she has been grumpy as well as myself. (btw she was home because the censes was down)

So that may explain my negativity yesterday for those of you were in some contact with me. It did help though to send some mail to Dolly. Speaking of Dolly, EVERYBODY, PLEASE pray for her and her family!!! Take a moment right now and pray.........

I must go to the library now! I'm sorry to cut soo short but i really want to get up there. If you ave been sending me mail at hotmail send it to my yahoo because I still can not recieve any mail at hotmail.

tootles! btw I'm in a much better mood today!

Long time no see

A day at a best friends house is always a good day! I had the oppurtunity to escape my mom's wrath and went to my dads house for the evening expecting to see my uncle who ended up not showing because of a fight between the cook of the night and my dad. So instead of seeing him saturday evening I spent time with my dad and a friend of the building, Dakota.

My best friend Kaylee and I are spending most of the afternoon together. With the exception of right now because she is soo beat she is taking a nap on the couch. Since she has been taking in some foster children lately her dad has been taking many pictures so we all went to the park together and had a family outing. (I am considered family too!):-) I got to go to the dollar general and pig out on some candy! I had twix, two butterfingers, a pack of starbursts with the exception of pink and red, and a suagage. That was an offul lot!!! I did this mainly because the family hardly ever sees me eat or have known me to not eat at all.. (that and I've been craving chocolate all day!!) So to prove I had no eating disorder (bolimic) I shoved my face full of chocolate and managed to wear it too! The dad had been teasing by showing me a fork with a speck of food on it and then saying 'yea, she eat just this and then... ::Sticks a finger in his mouth and acts like he is throwing up::

I'm not bothered by it though!! I have proof i EAT!!!I have a belly overlapping my belt!!!!!(when I sit down that is) When I stand up it isn't as bad so... and I weight 110 about. FOR DOLLFACE HERE!!! :)) I almost have a double chin!!!! I'm getting fat because of dolly... I'm not going to say i'm going to stop eating or go back to the way I was i'm probably just not eat as much! now that I have "extra skin" and three handfuls of fat i'm going to sorta not eat as much!!!

AND I JUST FIGURED THIS OUT like two days ago!! I have a Patti and a Dorothy in my family. Scary... Except for Dorothy's nickname is Dotty. Theres a Kim too!! When I think of Kim i think of the Kim at camp who hated pictures and was soo sweet! I'm in searcch of some more family. I know i have a Deb and an Emily in my family. Two Sandy's, a Cindy, patti, Dorothy, Brenda, Gail, and I'm going back to downstairs. Kaylee called me up here from downstairs.

HERE THE WEEKEND COMES!!! Tonight or sometime this weekend I'll will try to check my email ovr at my dad's appartment or something. So Email me now if you need to.. and if your mail isn't answdred by sunday night comment on my blog and I'll just answer it when I come back on monday..

Today was picture day...I only waiting in line for like 5 minutes and then it was picture time for me.. I'm probably going to do retakes because I started laughing the the girl said smile or something. I was trying to think of something nice and sweet to have a nice little smile but tt doesnt look like that's gonna happen! hehehehe

Very cute pix my Dollface!! I'll save them when I can!


Gina: Missin ya girl!

EMILY: CALL ME!!! Or i'm gonna go insane!!! love ya lots! and miss you soo much!

Dollface: 3 words!! I LOVE YOU!!!! ok more than 3. I MISS YOU TOO!!! I HOPE to be able to talk to you sometime.. and if worst come to worst and you have to come home then I hope to see you! ;) But i dont think i will see any of you anytime in the near future. :P xoxoxoxo

LAURA: CALL ME!! Get my number from Jeannette. We need to make arrangements so i can come see ya at allen.

Kimberly and Rick: hey guys! just wanted to say hi and tell ya i'm thinking of you

Gina J.: love ya sweetness! hope all is well. Thinking of you often!

A VERy LOnG post!

I have some terribly dreadful news. Something that makes me wat to sit in a corner and be miserable with a bag of chips and my teddybear. Have u ever had almost everything you live for taken away fom you? (pr at least it seems like it)

Well, as you may remember me saying at an earlier date, my mom is telling me I'm not allowed up at the house when she's not home. So i'm not allowed to go home between 2:30-11:30pm so basically I can't go home unless I stay up waiting for mom to get home and then get up 5 hours later to go to school. I need to be able to have access to my computer and internet for school for my friends. So I live because of my friends and with out them I get extremely depressed...

So my choices are:

1. Disobey both my mom and grandmother (grams said the same thing b/c my mom told her that I wasn't allowed up at the house and told me I didn't need internet to get my h/w done)

2. Get a computer with net connection

3. Beg and make an agreement with my mom to let me be up at the house when she's not there. I'm willing to do all the cleaning, plus her room. (not like I don't clean already) but everyday now..

ok now going back in time when I didn't really have access to a computer.

AuG. 7, 2005

Emily came to my house man!! :D:D:D:D:D::D:D:D IT WAS AWESOME!!! We really didn't do anything though... but it was soo nice she came. But when she left I wanted to cry but I don't know why.... sigh... Maybe because she actually did what she said she wanted to do or because she was leaving and I wanted SOOOO badly for her to stay. Maybe it was because it happened soo fast or maybe because she was here at my house!!!


I know Dolly wouldnt be able to see me but I miss her more than imaginable. When or if I EVER DO see her I will be in tears, I'm sure. I DO know that much!! As for everything else I have know idea what it'll be like... Maybe I'll faint or hyperventilate. Grandma said I was speechless and pointing then I practically ran her over when I knew it was Emily at the door.


ONto a diff. subject Emmy G. says I"m greedy and selfish with my friends. True probably but think about it this way.. I share everything with her.- My room, clothes, secrets, computer, anything and everything I own!!! Everything I own and the family as well. So if I'm just a little selfish with my friends...? I think I feel like if my friends choose Emmie G. over me they won't want me any more and they'll spend all of their time with her and will love her a whole bunch more.. Sounds extremely stupid I know... I know i should doubt and I'm almost positive that none of my close friends would ever even consider doing such a thing.

ok going further back.... like a week into losing my computer probably...

"I don't know how many days its been without net but it has felt like forever!! I dont think I have been through soo much torture before.

I've been spending my summer days with my grandmother doing random things or just writing... I've been studying some math and working on my writing for school... I dug up a couple of old study books from under my nice organized bed and went down to grandmas to start refreshing my memory with some old skills and have been there ever since.

So besides studying math and writing I've been missing my Dolly and Emily every single minute of the day. Maybe a little exaggeration but hardly!! seriously... The last time I talked to Emmy I told her I was soo sick.. To round it up I got better.. Emily G. helped be get better by telling me to eat since I hadn't eaten for 3 days...

This torture is unbearable!!

My dearest (S).....

DoLLY: I miss you soo very, very much.. YOu have NO IDEA!!!! I can't sleep!! Just like you.. i've been having some weird dreams as well but nothing like yours!! ;) :P love ya babe!

I just got finished with all the reading I had to do!!! :)) then I took a quick bathroom break.

BTW people my new friend has strawberry blonde hair now.. (The new friend Nikki speaks: on thursday it will be changed yet again with bright blonde highlights - I'm a freak)

IN writers workshop we did some free writing about middle school and I talked about... what did i talk about... ?? Reimer, Fodness and Umphrey and how different all of the teachers are in the 7th grade hall and how they are committed to their job..

RICK AND KIM: Just thought I say hi since one or both of your read this! RICK MONITORING ME!!! :) ;)

EMILY: CALL ME!!!! YOU NEED TO CALL ME!!!!! PLEASE!! Called Debi yesterday and she's gonna try to get in contact with you for me to tell u to call me!!!! and to tell you how much i miss you!! BTW 70 minutes on my calling card for u!!

ok going!! class is over!

More appropriate Title: Beautiful in this Skin!!

Flex period once again!! I'm updating see?!??!?! I've had some replays of the little adventure you had while at the beach all night long and all morning long!!! It wasn't horrible but I couldn't listen to the Nobody knows this little rose song the same way... Tis sad!!!!!

my dearest Emily,

Emily I miss ya so... YOU NEED to contact me. I want to know all about your first few days of school and how you are. I am still working on getting net back at home!! Patience!~!!! It's all about patience!! Something I have little of..

Dearest Dolly,

My angel!!!! YOu are absolutely crazy!! I'm sending out a letter tonight since I sorta forgt it on my dresser this morning on the way out the front door.


I gots a new friend people!!!! OH YES!!! !Her name is Nicole!! and no it's not me another Nicole.. so i know a total of.. maybe 6 Nicoles... She's got blonde hair and is also a computer geek!! :D:D:D:D:D

Nothing else new... I have to run the track today for 15 minutes for phys. ed testing.. :(( ok... Going... loves to everyone!!!!

Gina, Gina, Jen, DOll and Em.

OH my Goodness!!!

My love!!!! DOlly!~!!! OH my gosh!!!! I just got updated on some things I read and oh boy!!! You are soo halarious!!!! I MISS YOU SOO MUCH!!! I have like a 9 page letter waiting to get sent out but havent had the oppurtunity to do so yet.. :(

I have found a way to get to a computer with internet just today. I have discovered that in one of my classes I have a internet connected computer where I can spend an 80 minutes on the computer. :D:D:D:D:D I am unable to check my email though because of some issues with the computer being not updated yet. The internet mainly.. I'm actually thinking on running an update my self if i am permitted to get the things i need to to get it done.

I am praying for Dolly that everything will work out!! BUT I DO THINK YOU SHOULD COME HOME!!!! But education is very important....:) :( It is your choice to do what you want. :( School has started on onday and I'm working on getting everything together... I couldnt concentrate yesterday because I am soo used to talking to Dolly and using the computer while doing my homework... So it was a pretty difficult task to accomplish...

As for miss Emily Y. She starts school on Sept. 1st and I suspect she's been busy... I miss all of you guys soo much.. ... Please call me Dolly and Emily!!!


MY mom is still working on getting the internet back thankfully and if she can't get the bill paid when I get my money in on the 3rd I should be able to send out a check or money order to Verizon to get my net back!! OH YES!!!!! HEHEHHE

Nothing much new besides I've had several breakdowns due to lack of internet and communication with my dearest and most beloved friend Dolly.... Living without being able to talk with my bestest friend gets harder day by day!!! BTW!! 109.8 lbs!!! JUST FOR YOU!! I've had soo much time on my hands that i've been able to eat a bit more.

So Dolly you have a reason to get in contact with me!!! YOU HAVE TO!!! WRITE ME!!!! SOMETHING!!!! So I"m going to go my block ends in like 7 minutes so its going to take a while for this to load since the internet is soo slow!!! XOXOXOXoXoXoxoXoXOXOX


I LOVE YOU DOLLY AND EMILY AND LAURA AND GINA!!!

peace, God bless
i'm out!!

Quick another post!!!

My dear Emily! I miss you so!! I can't wait to see you!!!
I Need my net back!!

My dearest babydoll!!! This is almost unbarable!! I have almost nothing with me to be reminded of you except all your greatness in my heart!!! I think of you ALl day long!!!! xoxoxox

Going this time!!!

nikki-poo! and nikki

Hey PEEPS!!

HELLO MY WONDERFUL DOLLY!!!!

My internet is still not go and it probably wont be baack for another month!! AT LEAST!!!! I'm working on getting it back. Apparently my mom payed the wrong bill...

Anyway sending all my love to every single one of my faithful readers!! I miss you ALL very much!!! Along with my internet period!!!! Working on finding my dear Emily Y. to finish these plans and what not!

I'm hoping to get the the mall this sunday if someone comes!!! HOPEFULLY!

BTW my dearest Dolly got her package!!! The shirt is HUGE on her!! I MISS HEr SOO Much I cried for the past 3 or so nights!!!! AND I left my Dolly Cd at church along with all my other ones last weekend so i'm bummed on that!!!

GOTTA RUN!

Library break!

Hey guys!! I"m here at the library for only 14 more minutes! if that!!! I just wanted to let you all know i'm perfectly fine! I've been spending my days at my grandmothers house since I'm without internet at my house! I should be getting it back shortly! Hopefully this week cause I've been pulling my hair out without internet. I've been missing my dollface!!

And real quick i HAVE to let you all know that a certain someone came all the way from MD to see Emily G. and me!!!!!! I was soo thrilled!!!!! Tell more later!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

loves to Doll and Em and Peter and all camp peeps!!

Heck yes!!!

My Angel, Dolly, Got her card!!!! I have been axiously waiting for those words!!! NOw this friday she should have her package! I should have gotten her some kisses.. but I was dying to get the package out!

ok for most of the people who didn't know I got really sick this morning.. Thankfully I'm feeling much better otherwise I'd still be in my bed crying! My mom told me i had a stomach virus and my little brother and some of my cousins already had it.. She's also said theres nothing that could be done so i had to bare it.. just to give u a taste, My stomach was in knots doing flips while it felt likke someone was punching me dead in the center of my gut! THen I got extremely hot stripping off my shirt! Then it got cold... When i attempted to get up i would go to the bathroom and want to throw up but instead just sat on the floor.. layed on the floor... Came back in and layed down, ignoring ims... Didn't care who it was!! I wasn't going to take the energy to read!! But i got motivated because my two girls imed me.. NOw, moving on 3 hours of sleep for the day!! and keeping my stomach from doing gymnasics!!

ALL of MY pictures and Gina's pictures are on webshots! A few of mine that I took are on here.. My favorite pictures I posted here! If u want to see Jeremy and his hott self u HAVE to go to Webshots! ;) :P

10:18 and I'm missing my babydoll... I don't know what to do with myself... :( oh what to do!!!!! (the drama!)

Jen's Cabin!!! I Love you Jen!!! U Rock!! (Dolly's Old cabin.. :( ) 

ALL MY GIRLS from last year with the exception of Shelby.. :)) 

I LOVE this picture!! Larissa, Emily and Me 

Gina and her beautiful self!! and me.. I LOVE those eyes of hers!;) :P 

This is at the lake! We worked hard on this! Lets see here.. Theres brad, Tina, Andi, Leah, Katie.. Lots of ppl i can't really see! 

This is Abby and I before Linecall ... I wanted proof that I DO know ppl From Crossroads! 

Just sitting around today...I slept most of the morning... its 3:35 and I'm waiting on my angel and if she doesnt show I want to call her but I think she's fine... One more day is passing by and I am still waiting on my pictures to be picked up... :( I want to get them scanned so i can send them to Dolly and put them up on the web..

I woke up once around 2:30 this morning to find my camera on the table but other than that I went looking to see if I had any luck at finding someone.. I'm dying to ask her if she got the card I sent out during camp.. and I know she wont get her package until maybe this thursday...

I really wanna give my friend a call but then again I don't... lol

Nothing else new here... Loaded up some more pictures late last night if anyone cares to look! Gina sent them to me yesterday.

ehheheehe soo great!

Thanks to the Wonderful Gina B. I have more pictures!! All pictures are posted up on webshots with the exception of my own and the wonderful brad's!! When mine come home and when he gets his computer unpacked and when he's settled the rest of the photos should be online!! Great lenghts for Dolly and Em man!!! hehehehe

loves! xoxoxoxo
nikki

Spiderman!!

Spiderman and Gina sent me some awesome pictures today and yesterday! They will or should be up online by this evening or tomorrow!

Do you remember what I said about me doing anything for DOlly?? I hope so!!

WEll anyway, on friday afternoon, after the advanced ride (i think i was..) and I was teasing sophie and Ryan. They must have decided to throw me in the trough.. I don't remember exactly how it went down but the first time I went in I ran away, screaming you didn't get me wet!!! oh! I remember!!! I got sophie wet with a cup of water and all week long i was spraying Ryan with my water bottle!! Chasing him doing this! So they threw me in, but didn't get me wet so decided to throw me in again but i refused to get in to bucket of water.. But then.. this is where Dolly came in.. ryan says, For Dolly will you?? Gotta live up to my word you know? So they ganged up on me and threw me in and shuved me in!!!!! Gina got a picture just so i could prove i WOULD do anything! AFter Whisper was drowning in it, after all the horses snot was in it and I think sophie was in it earlier in the week. :))


This afternoon I went out to the post office and sent a VERY IMPORTANT package out and hoping it will be there by next week.. I thought i should send it by boat just because it sounded cool but it would have taken much, much longer... 4-6 days it should be.. And I'm hoping the other mail reached its destination this week since it seems like I didn't 'contact' this person all week long.. :'(

This evening I had the wondeful oppurtunity to chat for a short time with Jenny.

And I've been waiting patiently to find an email from Brad but still have found nothing.. :(

Ditto that!

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Your Power Color Is Gold

At Your Highest: You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you. At Your Lowest: You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life. In Love: You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude. How You're Attractive: You passion for life makes others passionate about you. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Having Fun?"

What's Your Power Color?

is this really me??

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others. You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's Your Hidden Talent?

You Should Learn Chinese

Surprised? You shouldn't be - Chinese is perfect for an ambitious person like you. You're a natural entrepreneur, and a billion people are waiting to do business with you!

What Language Should You Learn?

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy. Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems. You would make an excellent: Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's Your Ideal Career?

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?