Struggling to keep my eyes open...

It's Just not the same...

This year at camp was extremely boring to me... And every time I turned around I would think of my one and only, Dolly. Everything I did a memory would from behind my eyes. And because I thought of her soo often I think my councelor started to feel unworthy of her position and felt as if she would never be able to live up to Dolly. I assured her that I loved them both the same and that even though Dolly couldn't be replaced nor could anyone be as great as she is to me I still loved the councelor I had.

I don't want to be harsh but most of the week I felt as if Emily, my councelor, wanted to do with me. She wanted me in her cabin even though we "faught". She faught with katie C. to get me too... When She would "torment" me it seemed cool to her i guess but when I did the same to her she made me feel horrible by saying things to make me feel guilty or something. Then When I go to make up for it she pushed me away. a couple of days ago was the first day she actually was nice but I think it was because she was soo exausted from the night before. ( she had spent all night long preparing for the dinner the next evening. But I must say by the end of the week we became much, much closer.

As for camp itself I had to change my classes several times. from bball to nature and from horses and... something else to scrapbooking.- that was for teen. For JRII I had gym, scrap and horses but we didn't really get to go on a real ride.. :'( But i did get to take a short ride on friday! :D:D

On friday of last/this week it was a pretty emotional night for me. After the skit we went to our little camp fire circle and we sat around there with eachother and support staff as the smoke smothered us. We shared some troublesome times and stuggles we had through out this year. But as I listened with my eyes closed each person grew more and more on me and my part became even larger. The girls had discussed their parents' affair's impact on them, self imamge and other family and school related issues. One of the support staff said that when she had something she wanted to get out she would go to her brother even though he had something to say for everything and wasn't all that comforting. Then she went on about how people say that they understand or they know what you mean but then they really don't. That's when I started to really think... Not just letting words from in my head but putting a little bit more meaning to them.

So I'm lying there thinking, trying to put my feelings into the right words without bursting into tears or sounding cheesy or making everything focused around myself. But when it came around to me to speak I still didn't know what to say so I took a deep breath closed my eyes and said the first things that came to me. After I was done speaking I couldn't keep the tears from sliding off the surface of my cheeks. So I broke... Like a vase filled with water. I thought about how every single time I need someone, Dolly and/or Laura would be right there by my side. I know they didn't always understand everything but they were always with me comforting me and when I was away from either one of them I couldn't and wouldn't be able to keep my mind off of them, especially Dolly. I thought about everything Dolly has done for me and how she could very well be a real angel and that God sent her to me to have someone to love and cling on to. I once again realized I REALLY WOULD do anything for her whether it be being dunked in the water troft or dying for her I would happily do it. I felt, even though so very far away, that I was loved at that very moment and I could freely return that love without any regret. She has definitley done more for me in this past year than any other person/human being has done for me in my entire life. She has helped me become closer with God, with my friends, family and people i care about. And everytime I would talk to her or share something that meant the world to me she would be right there listening to every word I had to say, picking up every little detail no matter how small and showered and showers me with love and is caring to my sensitivity at times.

I just went on and on going in circles thanking God for the great friend and angel he has sent me and longing for the day where we all can be togher in heaven with my dearest and closest friend I have.