I never win

I just spent a long time writing something and it all got lost in two seconds when my mom came in i accidently pressed something wrong and poof! into thin air it went.. I shall try again to recreate all i just said.

As selfish as it might seem right now, i just want to be back at camp. I didn't want to come home to see my dad die. I knew I would just stand there looking at him knowing there was nothing I could do either way as I did. I didn't even touch him, as we never had a physical relationship. I rarely hugged him so why start right then at 10:20pm at night. I hate to tell him i told him so. If he didn't try to stop his life threatening ways of alcoholism i would show no pity for him in the end- and i didn't. He was supposed to die before may 29, before his birthday, but God allowed as i prayed that he would live a bit longer. I was ready for him to go, I was just waiting for him to be ready to go, ready to accept Christ. I never pushed my faith onto him as i knew he knew God was God and He could save him. He hated any form of preaching of any sort thus i never spoke more than given the oppurtunity to. I dont know if, in the end, he accepted God or not and frankly i dont care to know. I want to be at camp recieving the full blown experience of God and his love and treasure this year. I wanted to spend Friday and Saturday recommiting myself to him all the while being with my friends, staff and my cousin. I want to be with katie, helping her stay sain. I want to be with people who i know love me for sure. Katie always tells me she loves me. I want to be with the people i love and who i know love me with all their heart and tell me and then i know they mean it to their deepest. to be hugged and held and told they love me for real. I want to be helping and bringing new people to Christ. There is soo much i wanted to do and it all seems soo selfish at a time such as this. Is it selfish of me to want to be at camp with God and with Katie and with my cousin when my dad is no longer alive and had just died maybe 13 hours ago? There is nothing I can do but sit here and recieve sympathy from people i dont want it from yet i know they do love and care about me. Yes, i do love them as well, i just dont want the sympathy when I myself has not morn or felt the agony or the pain or the loss. None of which i want to feel until i am safe in Katie's, Dolly's or someone's arms who will comfort and care for me for real.
ANd right now i'm tired and I ache all over. From the moment i stepped foot on the ground in Harrisburg i felt all the aches i had not realized i had at camp. My knees were so sore it took all i had to stand and my shoulder muscles became suddenly tense to the point i can't stand or sit straight. My eyes were heavy and i was in no mood to see my dad after the drive from Rossiter to Harrisburg. At almost midnight i decided, after getting home to my mothers, i would wrap my right knee because it was in the most pain and i would sit up and sort through some camp pictures. And i just realized i dont have a certain set so i will need to get them. I wanted to call camp last night to tell them i was home safely and to inform my dad's condition to the best of my knowledge because no one would tell us because we were not on any records (i suppose)..
I never win when i need to write something again in the way and passion i had the first time. So all i have left to do is go running, and that may not be an option as my knees and my pelvis is sore still. I still want to be back at camp working, helping and comforting and strenghtening everyone in need of it.

PS: Emily E (girls director) i need your contact info so if u or anyone knows it u know what to do. I'm gonna call LLC now to talk to Katie as i have been longing to do it all day and have trie but hate talking to a machine. Until another time.