Don't give up that easy

Ok, we’re gonna make things short and sweet as I have already written this once. Thing have been really hectic and I think I’ve handled it all quite well. I’ve realized there ARE disadvantages for going to BMA one of them being that it’s one more threat that my mom can use against me as I have discovered today.
But the point of my writing right now isn’t gonna be that. I want to make a point that I had just come to another realization and it is one of Doll. Not a bad one of her or anything of course so don’t spaz ppl ;). But to start with I feel as if I have lost her all together- In both meanings. She’s almost always been around when I need her and she’s pretty much been around whenever I wanted to just talk. But I haven’t really been able to talk to her about anything since June really... It feels kind of like she dropped off the face of the planet even though I KNOW she is still here somewhere... and I’d call if I cold…. But it seems like ppl in general have been just dropping. First it was one friend then it was another… they up and decided not to talk to me anymore for whatever reason which they told me. Later it started to feel like doll was drifting but I thought ok... it’s just me. Then my dad died and THEN it was for real dolly... or at least it felt like she’s left me. Ok exaggeration. Then Laura and her marriage.. We talked less and less since 8th grd. Though but I feel the neglect. School friends too- they aren’t dropping out of my life but cause of BMA I wont talk to them nearly as much.. not like I ever really have but still. But without dolly at least before I leave I don’t know… But overall everything going on, me getting all my bma stuff.. I did a lot man! I did almost everything with some help from grandma for the memorial. I got all the food, did the pamphlets, the songs, the picture presentation, the editorial, the biography, ran the sound, did the invitations made the phone calls, got the transportation arrangements made for some, delt the with emotional anxiety of my mother, and so on. 
As for BMA and school in general I did LOTS Of school shopping this week and came home almost every night around 10pm. I made all the appointments and arrangements to get that done and got my checklist together for that.. but that was my part anyway. After that, early Saturday morning 3am almost exactly I went to Hershey to take care of my aunt’s kids and her dog cause she had gone into the hospital at 2:30. That was an event in itself. Grandma provided transportation and I did all the rest- the consoling and the game plan and getting kids and dog together. So I kept them for maybe 2 days.. I don’t know they sorta ran together… But Saturday night I stayed up with the dog cause he wouldn’t shut up and my grandma needed sleep so that was fun. Shawn my bro ended up coming in with me cause I was watching him. (More on that in a minute) So that was fun. 
This week has been full of activities! My mom decided to go on a 3day outing and not tell anyone so it was up to me to take care of shawn and get this flower arrangement and some food together and she couldn’t even handle that!! But anyway! She came back Saturday night and I guess decided to stay home. (She was gone from Thurs to sat.) When she came back there was all the after effects of her outing including the depression, the "its just too much” deal “I couldn’t handle it all” “ you don’t do anything for me around here” which I just received today. BUT twas all worth it because I was awaiting my auntie’s arrival in PA cause I decided to finish these arrangements with or without my mom’s presence and spend the afternoon with my auntie. But yea, after the week was through, I haven’t had a break break down, a crying spell, a drawn out depression or anxiety spell or a complete overwhelmed feeling leading to the giving up deal. I love being the adult and thinking logically and being able to get things done in a timely fashion and not let things or ppl get in my way and not giving up!! Heck no!! I do not give up! ;)) but I don’t think that should be something I’m proud of cause stubbornness isn’t cool. ;) But I didn’t give up and I owe it all to God for either giving me the gift or just plain giving me the strength. So praises to God! :)
I don’t know what I’m gonna do with/out net as my relaxation agent though.. I thank God for it and for my friends like Katie and Emily (all of them) and James for sending me countless smiles they don’t even know of. 