It's easy to get discouraged.... Easier to become discouraged when people don't care. Or gaining the knowledge of straight up lying. I am a very big hater of Lying. I will get angry even and tell it to their face. But what i feel now is simply sadness, maybe jealousy. Jealousy not of lying and the absence of authentic caring but of something else.
Maybe i can conclude that i shall not associate with the people who make me feel such ways.
How does one not love? Simply impossible in my fish-bowl.
...ps... faith is a lot to grasp.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Not too much
if I may dare to do so. and thank you, Katie, in advance.
Katie's Blog
this is my 'bowl' right now. give or take minor background details.
ENJOY!!!
Katie's Blog
this is my 'bowl' right now. give or take minor background details.
ENJOY!!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Future Apparel
This hoodie is my future love. Someday i will have this to wear. until then, i can only hope... www.jesusbranded.com
It is Now- the 3rd time in 24 Hours
I feel that now, i have a plausible reason to crash and burn. to allow the fish-bowl to fall. My hopes were very much set on getting to Laurel Lake for the weekend to be with the pathfinders, the morrans, Jen, katie and everyone else. I was set on being in snow and bonding with people and watching the beautiful sky and the possibility of going to the lake to pray and read my bible and take a walk and enjoy God. Really, i'm very very upset. or maybe more disappointed.. that i didn't try harder, that i can't try harder to change ad committee's mind. Ad committee rejected us and will not allow us (justine, matt, alex and myself) to go to winter retreat.
... The end....
... The end....
Keeping it Brief
Matt M. is a really cool friend. Need i explain further?.... i rather not.
I'm technically in math class right now but my body is in the computer class. I can not help but write. I am often feeling the need to do some writing. I really want to write a story but have yet to come around to doing that. looking for inspiration... again.
The water in my bowl is getting a little clearer. I'm glad theres more than me in it to help keep my bowl from total destruction. if it weren't for ignorance to the real world .. or maybe something else, the bowl probably would have shattered when it dropped to the floor. Thankfully though, there's a sea out there, and i realize it. There's more than one fish-bowl..
But to stop talking in riddles, and to make sense of my mess, my mom isn't doing so hott and i miss my brother tremendously. I am avoidance to calling home so i don't end up hiding by the bubbly house in my bowl, complete with blankets and pillows. In brief, finances are tighter than ever, brother is probably struggling to keep up with mom's emotional habits and mother herself is on the border line of crashing back into history. She took a good sum of money from me last week and she's not planning on reinbursting (sp?) me and shes living on just about 20 bucks right now... Almost at loss of a house too.
praying for a miracle
to be continued..
I'm technically in math class right now but my body is in the computer class. I can not help but write. I am often feeling the need to do some writing. I really want to write a story but have yet to come around to doing that. looking for inspiration... again.
The water in my bowl is getting a little clearer. I'm glad theres more than me in it to help keep my bowl from total destruction. if it weren't for ignorance to the real world .. or maybe something else, the bowl probably would have shattered when it dropped to the floor. Thankfully though, there's a sea out there, and i realize it. There's more than one fish-bowl..
But to stop talking in riddles, and to make sense of my mess, my mom isn't doing so hott and i miss my brother tremendously. I am avoidance to calling home so i don't end up hiding by the bubbly house in my bowl, complete with blankets and pillows. In brief, finances are tighter than ever, brother is probably struggling to keep up with mom's emotional habits and mother herself is on the border line of crashing back into history. She took a good sum of money from me last week and she's not planning on reinbursting (sp?) me and shes living on just about 20 bucks right now... Almost at loss of a house too.
praying for a miracle
to be continued..
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Excited
Beside my melancholy state and my moodiness i can declare i am probably the most excited person to be going up to Laurel Lake for the weekend to do praise team. :))) I will get to be with the pathfinders and some camp people. There will be Big Gary and Jen miller and her daughter katie. Katie is pretty much one of the cutest little girls i've ever seen that isn't family. cause i Do have some pretty darn cute cousins. :P Winter Retreat, i already feel is going to be super awesome and exhausting and fun. There's snow!!!! REAL SNOW!!!!!! i havn't seen much snow the entire winter season so that makes me all the more excited.
In the world within the fish-bowl, i've been rather overwhelmed. I've been struggling with a few different things and even though I don't feel like i'm getting the one-on-one relationship with God i once had, he's picking me up and not letting me wallow in depression. He's pretty much put people i wouldn't expect 'there', 'there'. I'm suprised and feeling blessed. I've come up with a few expressions of how i'm feeling during math class. and physically i'm exhausted and somedays i'm ' an egg thrown against the stone wall being fried from the heat of the sun while being punctured from the stones.' that would be my brain.. or my headaches.. meanwhile, i'm contemplating my future.....
to be continued...
I'm still excited for LLC!! yay snow and campers!!!
In the world within the fish-bowl, i've been rather overwhelmed. I've been struggling with a few different things and even though I don't feel like i'm getting the one-on-one relationship with God i once had, he's picking me up and not letting me wallow in depression. He's pretty much put people i wouldn't expect 'there', 'there'. I'm suprised and feeling blessed. I've come up with a few expressions of how i'm feeling during math class. and physically i'm exhausted and somedays i'm ' an egg thrown against the stone wall being fried from the heat of the sun while being punctured from the stones.' that would be my brain.. or my headaches.. meanwhile, i'm contemplating my future.....
to be continued...
I'm still excited for LLC!! yay snow and campers!!!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Suggestions
i'm going back to bma tomorrow. which makes me feel better. Although i still see no dolly. Anyway, kinda want a book list. I haven't found anything good in a long while.
So maybe my good ol' friends could help me out?
So maybe my good ol' friends could help me out?
Friday, January 04, 2008
Ignorance to History
That was the day i ignored my senses. i could have maybe pinpointed the exact moment it was that i hadn't listened on account of my selfishness. I blame myself- my selfish, essentially hopeless self. And all because i ignored my senses.
She's done it again. She's retaliated. She's disappointed me. And what's worse is that she's screwed God over.
She went out, with her own addictions. What the poop did i do wrong? I missed the signs that screamed to me! i didn't recognize them, it's been so long. I feel like i'm eight again, ten again, maybe even fourteen again.
I guess maybe i should feel sorry. Maybe i should be sad for her. Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe it really was me. And look, again, i'm selfish for even saying it's my fault. Crap, where do i go wrong? anyway, here's my reasoning. She went back to work, i thought, no good idea. it bring back old self. It cause stress and no sleep on her part. Which then leaves my bro 's head to destroy like a ant tunneling his way through to the other side. No, i reasoned, no, he reasoned, she'll be strong enough this time. She's got the bible and she's got God. Where can she go wrong? I gave her my bible and talked with her daily. God spent hours with her, daily.. So once again my theory was that if i would have said something about her not going back to work, everything would have been at minimum, ok. So maybe later, ill make a story from this. Maybe later, i'll turn back and say oh, well that was then and it was instinct to write, to publish. I could not, but, vulnerability is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. This too shall pass. My favorite, favorite words of wisdom to remember. So, this willl be history by the weekend.... I hope. And on the surface, all i wanted for christmas, for new years was to see my best friend and not need her because i'm weak. Not need hugs and reassurance. No and here i am... 2 something in the morning. It's my freakin fault for ignoring my senses. And because of it, i may not see dolly.
well, i was going to finsh writing this story, and now, there is no point. Point she's an ass who screwed herself and everyone else over and later feels the need to take her own failures in something and blame it on everyone else. And what's worse, is no matter what, i still manage to be her object of wrath. Even when i say nothing, it turns to me. I could have stopped it, I could have even tried and i would have at least done my part. She's left again and now all i can do is sit pray and cry myself asleep, once again.
She's done it again. She's retaliated. She's disappointed me. And what's worse is that she's screwed God over.
She went out, with her own addictions. What the poop did i do wrong? I missed the signs that screamed to me! i didn't recognize them, it's been so long. I feel like i'm eight again, ten again, maybe even fourteen again.
I guess maybe i should feel sorry. Maybe i should be sad for her. Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe it really was me. And look, again, i'm selfish for even saying it's my fault. Crap, where do i go wrong? anyway, here's my reasoning. She went back to work, i thought, no good idea. it bring back old self. It cause stress and no sleep on her part. Which then leaves my bro 's head to destroy like a ant tunneling his way through to the other side. No, i reasoned, no, he reasoned, she'll be strong enough this time. She's got the bible and she's got God. Where can she go wrong? I gave her my bible and talked with her daily. God spent hours with her, daily.. So once again my theory was that if i would have said something about her not going back to work, everything would have been at minimum, ok. So maybe later, ill make a story from this. Maybe later, i'll turn back and say oh, well that was then and it was instinct to write, to publish. I could not, but, vulnerability is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. This too shall pass. My favorite, favorite words of wisdom to remember. So, this willl be history by the weekend.... I hope. And on the surface, all i wanted for christmas, for new years was to see my best friend and not need her because i'm weak. Not need hugs and reassurance. No and here i am... 2 something in the morning. It's my freakin fault for ignoring my senses. And because of it, i may not see dolly.
well, i was going to finsh writing this story, and now, there is no point. Point she's an ass who screwed herself and everyone else over and later feels the need to take her own failures in something and blame it on everyone else. And what's worse, is no matter what, i still manage to be her object of wrath. Even when i say nothing, it turns to me. I could have stopped it, I could have even tried and i would have at least done my part. She's left again and now all i can do is sit pray and cry myself asleep, once again.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I think i may be having some kind of allergic reaction to this one blanket i got for xmas. I dunno. I think it collects a lot of dust.. Anyway, i'll have to wash it as soon as i get back to school, with all my clothes.
So basically i think i have the same cold i had before again. it pretty much sucks. I slept all day today. I got up twice. The first time i got up was because i smelt rice, it just got done. I made myself something to eat, talked to my mom on the phone and went back to bed. I got up a second time around 6pm to find out where my mom and bro were. I'm still up since then. Figured i'd write an entry and ask ya'll to pray for me that i have a miraculous recovery. Pray for my mother cause she's working a lot and then we want to head up to see dolly on saturday morning. I'll be getting up there before 7am!! My mom has to work that morning at 7 so i'll prob. get there around 6something if i do get to go. Mom's gonna be really, really tired so hopefully she'll get lots and lots of rest.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)