Ignorance to History

That was the day i ignored my senses. i could have maybe pinpointed the exact moment it was that i hadn't listened on account of my selfishness. I blame myself- my selfish, essentially hopeless self. And all because i ignored my senses.

She's done it again. She's retaliated. She's disappointed me. And what's worse is that she's screwed God over.
She went out, with her own addictions. What the poop did i do wrong? I missed the signs that screamed to me! i didn't recognize them, it's been so long. I feel like i'm eight again, ten again, maybe even fourteen again.

I guess maybe i should feel sorry. Maybe i should be sad for her. Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe it really was me. And look, again, i'm selfish for even saying it's my fault. Crap, where do i go wrong? anyway, here's my reasoning. She went back to work, i thought, no good idea. it bring back old self. It cause stress and no sleep on her part. Which then leaves my bro 's head to destroy like a ant tunneling his way through to the other side. No, i reasoned, no, he reasoned, she'll be strong enough this time. She's got the bible and she's got God. Where can she go wrong? I gave her my bible and talked with her daily. God spent hours with her, daily.. So once again my theory was that if i would have said something about her not going back to work, everything would have been at minimum, ok. So maybe later, ill make a story from this. Maybe later, i'll turn back and say oh, well that was then and it was instinct to write, to publish. I could not, but, vulnerability is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. This too shall pass. My favorite, favorite words of wisdom to remember. So, this willl be history by the weekend.... I hope. And on the surface, all i wanted for christmas, for new years was to see my best friend and not need her because i'm weak. Not need hugs and reassurance. No and here i am... 2 something in the morning. It's my freakin fault for ignoring my senses. And because of it, i may not see dolly.

well, i was going to finsh writing this story, and now, there is no point. Point she's an ass who screwed herself and everyone else over and later feels the need to take her own failures in something and blame it on everyone else. And what's worse, is no matter what, i still manage to be her object of wrath. Even when i say nothing, it turns to me. I could have stopped it, I could have even tried and i would have at least done my part. She's left again and now all i can do is sit pray and cry myself asleep, once again.