Late Nights

Well, this for me is my way to release, and to click the publish button, i think, is whats saying, i'm weak and i'm admitting it. Simply writing, is saying to me, when i write, that it has been written (in stone) and can never be taken back. There is physical proof of my words and my thoughts and feelings. So from here on out, i caution to the reader(s).

I am concluding that finding out why i do something no longer has influence in these recent matters of my own. It does not matter to me why i do some things, what matters is that it changes. My plan, what i have been trying to improve, is simply not working, my motivation is not right, entirely. To motivate myself to change, i must (emphasis on must) do it for God. I have no excuse to to act or talk (or w/e else that may be considered unholy) the way i do. What matters is that it changes by God. The end.

Now that i have finished my thought in a rather confusing manner, late nights are no good for me. Late nights make me think about too much, too much of myself and everything that is wrong in life. ... And yet, i'm thankful to see all the things that are 'right' in life. Evenings tend to get me into depressing thoughts, which also much change.

I found this verse:
Romans 12:1,2 - Christians are transformed (changed) by renewing their minds (cf. Eph. 4:23). To live differently, we must think differently. We must not seek to be like the world but to use our bodies in God's service.

I am considering fasting and prayer tomorrow. Although, tomorrow may not be the smartest because of fall festival it may be displaying more commitment to my God than anything else.

All done.. i had my words gathered together in the car on the way home but now it is only mumble jumble. Since the shower and the yearning for a cry fest i have lost most all of what i was concluding. i 'hope' i will continue with this 'change' and not drop it by tomorrow. I hope i will keep searching and i hope by the end of the year i will be a better and improved person.

Rainy Day

I enjoy the rainy days when it is hot outside and the earth could use a drink to cool it off. Today was not one of those types. My mom is convinced that i'm depressed today- i am not. I refuse. I'm hoping to go home saturday for the day. the band is planning on going to Gettysburg to perform at g-burg church. So i hope that i can work it out so that i can be dropped off in between and visit with my family for the sabbath afternoon and then be picked up too. So let's hope for the best.

Today in bible we are searching for things that God says about marriage. More specifically, the qualities God says we should look for in a spouse, and in my case a husband. This is what i've come up with ...

1 Corinth. 7

Ephesians 5:25-28

and A LOT in proverbs

basically, i want my husband to have sturdy values, to be "Spiritually-endowed" (as carlita said), Passionate, and committed. When i write spiritually- endowed, i mean he has a good relationship with God, a growing relationship. I don't end my 'expectations' there they keep going. But we were talking about 'deal-breakers.' things we can live without because of our values or what values are more important than others. 

End Scene

All about 'boys'

first off, i was walking into the gym today and an old friend, josh, was playing around with the basketball. i had the sudden craving to go play with him. Slightly regretfully i didn't on account of my company. ...

I have a rather wonderful boyfriend. There are things every day i find out about him that wow me (only a little, for if i allowed it to be a lot...) He is pure and sensitive and insightful. He comes off one way but really is something deeper. I expected it yes, but.... well... he's God's kid. God made him perfectly, and i'm glad he had not been formed any other way. The insights i'm given by kyle help me to be a less judgmental person, a less criticizing person. He reminds me of the verse about the plank when i talk to him. I have no right, no authority to make such calls on other people. it throws me back and i have to re-play words and sentences and yet the words he says are so raw and pure i can't quite put it the right way; it gets twisted and deformed when translated in my head. And yet, while i'm standing i still don't feel guilty for saying what could be offensive. I intend to love and challenge our minds, values and habitual living. I intent to grow, inspire and learn. When we do talk about something, its like whoa. Where did i get lost in the world? When did i stop thinking like the way he does? When did i stop believing so hard? And in this way, he resembles my God- no he is not my god, i mean, he resembles the God i know (or the God i used to know).  God is sensitive and raw, a God of love and right-ness. 

Sometimes, maybe, maybe, I am so ignorant to think that he, needs to be reminded how perfect he is to God. God's perfection, God's masterpiece and God's child. How strong he is and how secure in his 'ways' he is. That is not to say, however, everyone else isn't this way, it's to say that one of my friends whom i love dearly causes me to have these whoa moments so often that it reminds me that God love me too. (selfish, i know... i'm working on it.. thats for a later topic)

elatedness

Dear Anonymous,

How was union trip?

i can not make a more educated judgement as to how "I" thought it was. Based off my expectations of what an adventist college is like, glorified and BMA-esque, it was nothing resembling a glorified BMA. In that perspective, i would enjoy it. Whether i could call it the school for me is a question that is still undetermined. Not until i have scouted out other schools can i make any calls on how well i could do in that particular atmosphere.  

 

The traveling part of the trip:

The feeling when first taking off was rather graceful and not frightening in the least. The stereotypical view would be the fear they experience when either they first take off or when they are landing where the plane is supposedly shaking. The term for that is turbulence; this is actually unsteady air movement, such as wind. :-) It's most aggravating  part was realizing the pollution issues and lack of organization in some states. Flying is maybe one of the most beautiful things. I think it may be why God would rather look from above to see us.  (if you haven't concluded by now, i was a first time flyer) I imagine it being like when i was a little girl and i had gotten to play on the rug that had roads and stop lights and buildings printed in it and i would move the cars with my hands, while playing the role of the all powerful little girl. It could have been like the Sims computer game and i was looking at the world from afar. So flying, other than the ear popping and areas of grey in the sky, it was a rather peaceful experience. 

Like most first time experiences, i anticipate negative and positive emotions alike. There's a library held within the Don Love building. The Don love building is an assortment of recreational rooms and other people places. The library is one of the several 'areas' in the building. I like it not for its mass contents, but for it's atmosphere.  Upon walking in, i am greeted silently by a desk worker, and professors are walking about the library, some helping students and others deeply engrossed with some type of project, searching for improvements to be made.

The professors themselves seem kind enough, not all quite so extroverted but most more than willing to help anyone who asks for it. The buildings are conveniently close so that in the colder months, it is not an excruciatingly painful walk to a class that's otherwise not worth going to. 

I personally didn't bum with any of the BMA students so i don't know what they experienced. I bummed with my college friends at one point or another. I inquired about their experience at Union even. I did not come up with anything negative about it. The campus itself is rather pleasant and welcoming. 

Off campus, there are quaint personally owned stores. I visited "the mill", a place to relax, have some cheap (but good) coffee and 'detox' from the day's adventures. another place was a sporting goods shop where i looked for a football to bring back (no such luck) and there was a sweets shop i stopped in at too. :-) also tempted to bring back...

 i felt a great sense of adulthood and maturity, which i did fully embrace and glow over while i was at union. Everything i did while there, i did with an awareness of self accomplishment. 

Like any college, i presume, there is more freedom that bma. As a student, people generally treat you more like an adult. This consequently causes me to respond with adult-like decisions. And this, for me, is rewarding and commonplace in some cases. 

i have considered making it 'my' college but i still don't know if it would feel right for me to claim it as my own once i was a student there. Upon reflection of the trip, i could say it has caused me to search within my being. I have considered the idea of almost complete independence and how i would be able to handle that type of freedom and responsibly. I have reminisced about the days before BMA when i had different responsibilities as a self-dependent teenager and alas caused me to re-evaluate my responsibilities and priorities as a student first and whether growing up again is right for me. 

An Ear Please

Okay, i'm ready for  cry fest now. I've been waiting and wanting to listen for God's resonse. It's been a week. I should be more patient... Can i have my date with my jesus? I want my date with Jesus!! Can i scream for it? no, of course not. Cause that wouldn't be nice. 

So you don't have to read, i'm venting, you won't understand most of it. You won't follow anything i will say from here on out. i've been editing and re-editing to make it somewhat comprehendible. In a nutshell, i am complaining from top to bottom.  telling God more than anyone that i want him physically here next to me. I talk about the things i'm tired of, love, cry fests, bma and what i want.

Now that i've gone back and finished on the flip side, i ought to be thankful. for anonymous reasons. like broken bridges, trees, street lights and pheasants.

Moving on-

I'm rather tired of the high-school atmosphere. I'm ready to go back to the real world, and fight for all i am. I'm ready to stand back up for my God and really truly carry on this relationship with God, i claim to always have. (i will rebuild my relationship with God) Lately, i have no relationship with him. I say i'm a christian and yet my jesus and I haven't bonded. I'm tired ofli living in habit. I'm tired of mere praise.

 Can we hurry up and get Jesus here? i'm tired of listening to people say, 'oh i'm waiting for Jesus to come.' Well stop waiting!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!  It urks me too much to listen to all the people who complain so much about what's wrong with themselves, or the world and others. If you have such a problem with something, fix it!! or fix your attitude. 

Sadly, I'm even becoming one of those people. Well, not exactly. I complain and whine. And I've been acting incompetent too may i add(while i'm around certain groups of people). and when i'm not i'm being either annoying or just a "woman on a mission" I just live in someone else's shadow.

I'm still here waiting to have my cry fest, have my date with my God and make some real friends. (I schedule in these cry fests) 

 Senior Rec along with some other things have started triggering my senses; i'm ready to move on with life.  What has BMA done for me? Secured me into a bubble, gave me a place to live (eat, sleep) and sent me a person to love like God does. Yes, i'm thankful. i'm learning about leadership and values and whatever else Pastor Sergio has to say. But honestly, i've been ready for the world since i was seven. I am familiar enough with what is out there, both good and bad, to cope and have faith to succeed with God by me. call me naive, i may even be a little naive, but i do think i can do it.

I feel like i've lost a lot of me though too. I guess it's a good thing to be reformed into something else- i don't know if this is what is really good for me or not. 

I want my Jesus. I want to physically feel his arms around me and hear his heartbeat as it pulses calmly in my ear. I want my Jesus to tell me what's going on for me, but if he doesn't speak at all, i'll still be content. 

So here i go to complain, like all the rest of the world- i will allow myself to be flushed away into what i consider this unacceptable behavior. 

I want a friend to not fight with, to be able to talk with, to not have to fight for their attention, I want to be someone's friend, a real Jesus loving friend. One that doesn't live through habit, one that embraces change and deals with my fickleness and is supportive and we grow together with bible in hand. Where has that gone? how about a mentor? 

 A friend is the only thing i expect not to have to fight for. I will fight for love, for God, for money, for an education, for religion and for freedom. I expect not to have to fight to get or keep a  friend. I suspect all those really great friends are married off, have love lives of the sort, or are 'just too busy.' (i'm in that category now- i use that excuse) that is really no excuse at all(the i'm busy with life excuse). People do say, I'm too busy to stop and talk with you. If your too busy for me, what will happen when Jesus walks past you and asks for an ear? Will you say, oh i'm busy right now maybe later. yea, argue that he's jesus and he's the most important being- but so are all the humans on earth. Jesus is them too. Jesus is me too. I'm repeating myself now. If you don't 'have time' for me, the 'girl on a mission', do you really think you'll 'have time' for God? i'm asking for maybe five minutes. He asks for your life, your soul. people don't make time for their people now much less making time for their God- assuming they have one. 

My views may vary a few days from now. but i will still want my jesus and i still want to do something about it. LIVE, and LOVE people!! Dont walk around just going through your day. Don't just 'love',  love when you mean it!!! don't throw it around. Don't be fake! 

love from the center of who you are! 

i'm still learning myself but the above said is what i know. i am firm in it. BUT i'm not so firm that i'm not willing to accept something different if that could also be right. 

End Scene

There has been some epiphanies as of late. I am emotionally/mentally ready to handle my own fincances, bills, and 'maturity'/adulthood. I have had several emotional wrecks since Union, and maybe that could be a good thing for union. .... It's rather a long story so lets not bore you with details. 

Moving on, here are some pictures!

Shoe: for class we had to do a portfolio of shoes... i just like those shoes... not so much the picture

New Coat: this is my new lover of a coat! thanks to my beloved dolly who is keeping me warm for the winter. :-))

And last comes the kitty that came to visit the dorm last night! I assumed it was the guy's deans. (it is) and warmed her up to the idea of me and then she was begging to come inside and so that's precisely what we did. for maybe ten minutes total. :-)