An Ear Please

Okay, i'm ready for  cry fest now. I've been waiting and wanting to listen for God's resonse. It's been a week. I should be more patient... Can i have my date with my jesus? I want my date with Jesus!! Can i scream for it? no, of course not. Cause that wouldn't be nice. 

So you don't have to read, i'm venting, you won't understand most of it. You won't follow anything i will say from here on out. i've been editing and re-editing to make it somewhat comprehendible. In a nutshell, i am complaining from top to bottom.  telling God more than anyone that i want him physically here next to me. I talk about the things i'm tired of, love, cry fests, bma and what i want.

Now that i've gone back and finished on the flip side, i ought to be thankful. for anonymous reasons. like broken bridges, trees, street lights and pheasants.

Moving on-

I'm rather tired of the high-school atmosphere. I'm ready to go back to the real world, and fight for all i am. I'm ready to stand back up for my God and really truly carry on this relationship with God, i claim to always have. (i will rebuild my relationship with God) Lately, i have no relationship with him. I say i'm a christian and yet my jesus and I haven't bonded. I'm tired ofli living in habit. I'm tired of mere praise.

 Can we hurry up and get Jesus here? i'm tired of listening to people say, 'oh i'm waiting for Jesus to come.' Well stop waiting!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!  It urks me too much to listen to all the people who complain so much about what's wrong with themselves, or the world and others. If you have such a problem with something, fix it!! or fix your attitude. 

Sadly, I'm even becoming one of those people. Well, not exactly. I complain and whine. And I've been acting incompetent too may i add(while i'm around certain groups of people). and when i'm not i'm being either annoying or just a "woman on a mission" I just live in someone else's shadow.

I'm still here waiting to have my cry fest, have my date with my God and make some real friends. (I schedule in these cry fests) 

 Senior Rec along with some other things have started triggering my senses; i'm ready to move on with life.  What has BMA done for me? Secured me into a bubble, gave me a place to live (eat, sleep) and sent me a person to love like God does. Yes, i'm thankful. i'm learning about leadership and values and whatever else Pastor Sergio has to say. But honestly, i've been ready for the world since i was seven. I am familiar enough with what is out there, both good and bad, to cope and have faith to succeed with God by me. call me naive, i may even be a little naive, but i do think i can do it.

I feel like i've lost a lot of me though too. I guess it's a good thing to be reformed into something else- i don't know if this is what is really good for me or not. 

I want my Jesus. I want to physically feel his arms around me and hear his heartbeat as it pulses calmly in my ear. I want my Jesus to tell me what's going on for me, but if he doesn't speak at all, i'll still be content. 

So here i go to complain, like all the rest of the world- i will allow myself to be flushed away into what i consider this unacceptable behavior. 

I want a friend to not fight with, to be able to talk with, to not have to fight for their attention, I want to be someone's friend, a real Jesus loving friend. One that doesn't live through habit, one that embraces change and deals with my fickleness and is supportive and we grow together with bible in hand. Where has that gone? how about a mentor? 

 A friend is the only thing i expect not to have to fight for. I will fight for love, for God, for money, for an education, for religion and for freedom. I expect not to have to fight to get or keep a  friend. I suspect all those really great friends are married off, have love lives of the sort, or are 'just too busy.' (i'm in that category now- i use that excuse) that is really no excuse at all(the i'm busy with life excuse). People do say, I'm too busy to stop and talk with you. If your too busy for me, what will happen when Jesus walks past you and asks for an ear? Will you say, oh i'm busy right now maybe later. yea, argue that he's jesus and he's the most important being- but so are all the humans on earth. Jesus is them too. Jesus is me too. I'm repeating myself now. If you don't 'have time' for me, the 'girl on a mission', do you really think you'll 'have time' for God? i'm asking for maybe five minutes. He asks for your life, your soul. people don't make time for their people now much less making time for their God- assuming they have one. 

My views may vary a few days from now. but i will still want my jesus and i still want to do something about it. LIVE, and LOVE people!! Dont walk around just going through your day. Don't just 'love',  love when you mean it!!! don't throw it around. Don't be fake! 

love from the center of who you are! 

i'm still learning myself but the above said is what i know. i am firm in it. BUT i'm not so firm that i'm not willing to accept something different if that could also be right. 

End Scene