i've been wanting to use that title for the longest time. i like it. i don't know why i like the phrase but i do. ]
If anyone remembers, i've said before everything seems to happen after i've come home from camp, right? well, camp hasn't even come or started yet and something has happened. ok.... something(s). The family's m+m nana has died. Yesterday afternoon around 3pm. There isn't much to say. The picture in a previous post with nana and the little girl that's her. It's funny because everyone came to see nana at least twice in the time she's been in the hospital. someone was almost always with her during the day. most of the time it was her daughter, my grandma fisher. at least 3/4 of her grandchildren came to visit her in the hospital. Nana was everyone's favorite. Everyone in the family went to her. she'd go out with her grandkid Deb, my aunt, every thursday to go shopping or out to eat or just out. my cousin loved her a lot. There's one thing I can't stand. And that's to see Emily hurting. That's almost the only thing or person that will get me to cry. Yesterday was the second time in not even a year yet that i saw Emily in pain like that. In... sorrow. The better part of it is that she ran 11 sets of stairs twice and 1/2 and i ran them not even once. We got to sit on the 11th floor on the hospital and enjoy alive water and share a piece of cheesecake. way to be healthy.
So here's how i can relate the whatever...Goodbye part into all this. Actually, into something completely unrelated. Mom's in her old self again. She disowned me (again) this morning. she claims she didn't and i can't prove that she did because it was over the phone. but whatever. I went throught the crying part already this morning and i'm on break from that. She's being difficult. Hence the wanting of Dolly around. I even contemplated calling Laura this morning just to hear someone talk to me but figured it was a bit too early for that and it's her day off. My thought process ended up with i can just walk it off, it'll be healthy for me and i have no need that is that urgent that it is necessary for me to call Laura at this hour. So i walked 2 1/2 miles at 6:30 this morning and listened to evanesence, eminem, mandy moore(only hope x4) starfield, caedmon's call and michael w. smith all this morning.
My auntie chris is awesome. she makes me smile...
Monday, May 28, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Music, life, love and friends
I am learning...Slowly but surely i'm learning a little bit of something.
read Gina's blog. it sums al this up in 3 paragraphs. i've realized...
I'm learning that the hospital can have positives. My great grandma is in the hospital still. She's been in and out of there during the month. My mom, period. Really, these things are quite rejuivinating and relaxing to me. It's the real world- not the bubble. :)
Love:
I'm learning to love like Jesus as well as loving as if i've never been hurt. these two things i need to work out. my saying as it goes..."you've ripped my heart out, thrown it against the wall, AND play darts with it." And love always trusts. How can i love someone if i don't trust them? and If i love/trust God then i should be able to love/trust humans as well, correct? They both go hand in hand.
Friends:
Love ties in with friends too. The people i 'love' are distant from me as of recent. Their lives are changing and they're making decisions. Sometimes which means moving far far away or just making the lack of communication harder for at least one end to stay the faithful friend. (meaning no doubts on whether or not they've dropped you for the birds to pick at) I mean, ok so maybe i'm a bit dramatic but i have my days too. :) So, how can i trust(love)them back after they say they trust/love me. love requires action. That's one thing i learned this year. "love requires action" was written on my dorm room wall. :) Other people have expressed that to me too. FrouFrou face tried to make that clear to me.... It's a love-hate relationship there. ;) if you're reading thank you. Out LOUD!! Froufrou face has made me think some more. I haven't retained it all but with repetition i'll learn that in time too. I think i'm being critical of this love-hate relationship because the person is seeming to be open and say they care about me and the last couple times i've trusted it doesn't last. it drifts. that's what it currently seems like.
rough patches can be a pain.
dan and peter have been great people to go to though. Peter has been a great support system in the last couple of weeks when it comes to the bubble problem. and whether or not i really want to go back to the bubble next year even though i think it will be best for my future. I'm done talking about going back to school or not. I'm serious this time. :)
I'd really love to be working under Wendy because i feel like all the air around her says God and i really really enjoy that. Jeremy and James and Gina J. all have that and not one of those people i have to help me get through the summer at LLC. I'm excited but scared because i am going to be staff and it's all about God and the camper's experience with Him. So i either need to figure it out before camp, really sit and talk and figure things out enough so that i can love and live life.
My RA told me that hurt is only when you let it affect you. or something to that effect. What she said is what got all this 'stuff'in my head in motion. or at least something to think about... If i don't allow myself to hurt, feel pain or drama then i'm not going to be able to learn and thus it will become harder to help others because i hadn't had the experience to retain the knowledge. and if i can not feel hurt then i can also not feel joy.and that' wouldn't be cool because i want to be happy with God and be able to scream for joy when i see people like Katie and dolly and emily because it is way to rare that i see them or even hear a word from them and when i do it is a priveledge.
love and get hurt- so start over again. Make friends-help them grow- they move on- start over. family: be the adult, then cry, pray and counsol them and advise them. which usually means the older adult is the one that is being advised by the younger.
Why can't we just have the world domination and purify the earth and start over. ;) j/k
hahaha! almost forgot the music part. Music is good for the soul. :)) no it's good for the soul, for real. Dan playing the guitar is the most relaxing sound in the world.
k, i think i'm done
read Gina's blog. it sums al this up in 3 paragraphs. i've realized...
I'm learning that the hospital can have positives. My great grandma is in the hospital still. She's been in and out of there during the month. My mom, period. Really, these things are quite rejuivinating and relaxing to me. It's the real world- not the bubble. :)
Love:
I'm learning to love like Jesus as well as loving as if i've never been hurt. these two things i need to work out. my saying as it goes..."you've ripped my heart out, thrown it against the wall, AND play darts with it." And love always trusts. How can i love someone if i don't trust them? and If i love/trust God then i should be able to love/trust humans as well, correct? They both go hand in hand.
Friends:
Love ties in with friends too. The people i 'love' are distant from me as of recent. Their lives are changing and they're making decisions. Sometimes which means moving far far away or just making the lack of communication harder for at least one end to stay the faithful friend. (meaning no doubts on whether or not they've dropped you for the birds to pick at) I mean, ok so maybe i'm a bit dramatic but i have my days too. :) So, how can i trust(love)them back after they say they trust/love me. love requires action. That's one thing i learned this year. "love requires action" was written on my dorm room wall. :) Other people have expressed that to me too. FrouFrou face tried to make that clear to me.... It's a love-hate relationship there. ;) if you're reading thank you. Out LOUD!! Froufrou face has made me think some more. I haven't retained it all but with repetition i'll learn that in time too. I think i'm being critical of this love-hate relationship because the person is seeming to be open and say they care about me and the last couple times i've trusted it doesn't last. it drifts. that's what it currently seems like.
rough patches can be a pain.
dan and peter have been great people to go to though. Peter has been a great support system in the last couple of weeks when it comes to the bubble problem. and whether or not i really want to go back to the bubble next year even though i think it will be best for my future. I'm done talking about going back to school or not. I'm serious this time. :)
I'd really love to be working under Wendy because i feel like all the air around her says God and i really really enjoy that. Jeremy and James and Gina J. all have that and not one of those people i have to help me get through the summer at LLC. I'm excited but scared because i am going to be staff and it's all about God and the camper's experience with Him. So i either need to figure it out before camp, really sit and talk and figure things out enough so that i can love and live life.
My RA told me that hurt is only when you let it affect you. or something to that effect. What she said is what got all this 'stuff'in my head in motion. or at least something to think about... If i don't allow myself to hurt, feel pain or drama then i'm not going to be able to learn and thus it will become harder to help others because i hadn't had the experience to retain the knowledge. and if i can not feel hurt then i can also not feel joy.and that' wouldn't be cool because i want to be happy with God and be able to scream for joy when i see people like Katie and dolly and emily because it is way to rare that i see them or even hear a word from them and when i do it is a priveledge.
love and get hurt- so start over again. Make friends-help them grow- they move on- start over. family: be the adult, then cry, pray and counsol them and advise them. which usually means the older adult is the one that is being advised by the younger.
Why can't we just have the world domination and purify the earth and start over. ;) j/k
hahaha! almost forgot the music part. Music is good for the soul. :)) no it's good for the soul, for real. Dan playing the guitar is the most relaxing sound in the world.
k, i think i'm done
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Life Today
so hey, i'm at the spring picicinic. I brought "why you act the way you do" with me just because. I haven't read it, or even looked at it for a while so i figured i would have time today since i finally finished all my projects.
Life is going. I dont have any classes all day. :)) that's a winner. Also, i'm going to be outside most of the day and i'll be ablet o get online for most of it too. :)) so if you are available anybody i'm around.
It's really beautiful outside. there's a guitar playing in the background. The voices around me are only dinstant murmurs. It's like hearing life from the outside again. The bubble I have been living in has started to become irritating and the outside world is tugging at my shirt like a little sibling wanting attention.
In other thoughts, the end of the school year is coming up fast. My RA, shelly is about to graduate. It's been a good year learning new things about her and finallly clicking with her. That was an achievement in itself. :) I'm soon going to start thinking about the end of the year gift for a couple people. Nothing big. I haven't decided yet. A thank you letter is definitaely necessary. I've been telling everyone that i'm not coming back next year. I honestly don't know and i will go back to public school unless God litterally drags me back here, suitcase and all. I would much rather come back if i were a village student but that would be hard living an hour and 1/2 away. It's not far but still costs.
Crash landing is soon. just a few more days. I'm SOO excited for going to DC. It's... it's AMAZING. i miss DC. I miss city lights and sidewalks and NO BUBBLES!!! The last couple times i was in maryland i didn't go horseback riding because my aunt's hobrse was too far away. :( but that's ok. there's always summer. new horses and all. I'll miss zana and maggie and a certain horse lady but i'll move on no doubt. :P
wow.. it's been a really long time since i typed, since i've written. The campus 'bubble' has me wrapped around it's figure with everything but the things i enjoy. Writing, reading and time with God. Yesterday i wrote to God and stuff. It's been a while since i talked to him.. it feels like forever. (it's probably been a couple days really)
CAMP IS SOON. I'm excited to see little kids. to see kids. to be me. to stop being this masked person i've turned into. a happy little girl who tries too hard. but whatever. No boys for the summer and i'm staying away from bma kids. There's more out there besides this place called BMA. yea, it's cool at times but too emotionally draining. the school work isn't hard now that i feel organized. really i'm not but i can focus. I have my musis to jam to in the morning and a shower. Those are the things that make it worth it.
nothing more. As always, want Dolly to come home but whatever. I'll get over that too. She's got a life. ;) well... hehehe i gotta go do the whole running deal. that sounds good too. a good run. but i'm here at bma bubble. God is good.
Life is going. I dont have any classes all day. :)) that's a winner. Also, i'm going to be outside most of the day and i'll be ablet o get online for most of it too. :)) so if you are available anybody i'm around.
It's really beautiful outside. there's a guitar playing in the background. The voices around me are only dinstant murmurs. It's like hearing life from the outside again. The bubble I have been living in has started to become irritating and the outside world is tugging at my shirt like a little sibling wanting attention.
In other thoughts, the end of the school year is coming up fast. My RA, shelly is about to graduate. It's been a good year learning new things about her and finallly clicking with her. That was an achievement in itself. :) I'm soon going to start thinking about the end of the year gift for a couple people. Nothing big. I haven't decided yet. A thank you letter is definitaely necessary. I've been telling everyone that i'm not coming back next year. I honestly don't know and i will go back to public school unless God litterally drags me back here, suitcase and all. I would much rather come back if i were a village student but that would be hard living an hour and 1/2 away. It's not far but still costs.
Crash landing is soon. just a few more days. I'm SOO excited for going to DC. It's... it's AMAZING. i miss DC. I miss city lights and sidewalks and NO BUBBLES!!! The last couple times i was in maryland i didn't go horseback riding because my aunt's hobrse was too far away. :( but that's ok. there's always summer. new horses and all. I'll miss zana and maggie and a certain horse lady but i'll move on no doubt. :P
wow.. it's been a really long time since i typed, since i've written. The campus 'bubble' has me wrapped around it's figure with everything but the things i enjoy. Writing, reading and time with God. Yesterday i wrote to God and stuff. It's been a while since i talked to him.. it feels like forever. (it's probably been a couple days really)
CAMP IS SOON. I'm excited to see little kids. to see kids. to be me. to stop being this masked person i've turned into. a happy little girl who tries too hard. but whatever. No boys for the summer and i'm staying away from bma kids. There's more out there besides this place called BMA. yea, it's cool at times but too emotionally draining. the school work isn't hard now that i feel organized. really i'm not but i can focus. I have my musis to jam to in the morning and a shower. Those are the things that make it worth it.
nothing more. As always, want Dolly to come home but whatever. I'll get over that too. She's got a life. ;) well... hehehe i gotta go do the whole running deal. that sounds good too. a good run. but i'm here at bma bubble. God is good.
Friday, May 04, 2007
I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT!!!
OK, so heres the exciting news that mrs. engen told me!!! I don't have to take American government or Psychology my senior year!!!!!!!! I still want to take a stewart class though so we'll see how that goes. :)) BUT!!! the fact that i don't have to take it makes me ecstatic. BUT i like those two classes because i already like those two subjects. :)) I took civs and a class equivelant to psych my freshman year. :))
This weekend is Seven Last Words and academy days weekend. ANd that's about all that i'm excited about. Life is still as usual. Still wanting to go back to Public school because i can get soo many credits and then come back here my senior year and really not have to work so hard. :)) :)) :))) but whatever. :)
lots of love to my peeps.
This weekend is Seven Last Words and academy days weekend. ANd that's about all that i'm excited about. Life is still as usual. Still wanting to go back to Public school because i can get soo many credits and then come back here my senior year and really not have to work so hard. :)) :)) :))) but whatever. :)
lots of love to my peeps.
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