Caution: Selfishness below


I can do this... Refocus and on top of that have faith, and love. Patience too.



The End

I have hope for a rainbow. I am still, and even more so, divided in what i shall pursue as my lifelong career. Teacher or Dental.... I like them both a lot but teaching seems to call me at every turn. Every day at college, awakens me more and more and helps me realize that i need to make a solid decision because i can not go to college forever.

Pretty much one of my best friends made me really face something... well not entirely but made me look at what i'm doing. Am i doing this to prove myself or because of passion... Something like that. So thank you. again.

My entire body is still in butterflies and sighs and... happiness, thankfulness towards God. Something happened this weekend and i feel somehow more complete. Joy and content fill the gaps where words escape me.

I will be authentically caring. I feel it coming. As i know me well, though, i do know i am also selfish so forgive me for being bias as well. I am striving, without fret, worry or too much anxiety. And now that i have a grasp that everything will be okay by God, i feel a relief and hope that i haven't felt in weeks perhaps months.

My one suite mate is pretty chill, i talked to her a little tonight. The person i met earlier was her cousin. Oh goodness i feel stupid. Anyway, perhaps i should look over a few more details for my quiz tomorrow over last weeks lecture. I'm excited for this class. I am loathing and celebrating this challenge simultaneously. In a few weeks, perhaps my feelings on A+P will differ... :-)

PAST

Reading through my blogs... :-) happy moments, still happy unchanged moments :-)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

wow... and i remember this now...

"I want my Jesus. I want to physically feel his arms around me and hear his heartbeat as it pulses calmly in my ear. I want my Jesus to tell me what's going on for me, but if he doesn't speak at all, i'll still be content.

So here i go to complain, like all the rest of the world- i will allow myself to be flushed away into what i consider this unacceptable behavior.

I want a friend to not fight with, to be able to talk with, to not have to fight for their attention, I want to be someone's friend, a real Jesus loving friend. One that doesn't live through habit, one that embraces change and deals with my fickleness and is supportive and we grow together with bible in hand. Where has that gone? how about a mentor? "

well, i have made a friend like that... currently my ex actually.. but he's still got this and i'm thankful for that. He has and hopefully always be like this. AND for the future of this year, this is what i aime for. Well, besides wanting my Jesus, who i had a date with today. The friend part- i will be all me and will fight to not be sucked into the human nature of everything proverbs says something against.. something like that... yea, so i pretty much read proverbs through twice today... two different versions.. actually still reading it in NCV but i'm taking a break... I went into coolige park today- hehehe and saw a water fountain! i wanted so badly to play in it... :-/ and a carousel!


and wow... so my hope of moving to maryland failed because the person i was going to live with got engaged... so thats why that didnt happen over the summer...

I can not be the only one posting these days! i need something to read!

Speaking of which... any book suggestions? be bold!

Week One

This water bottle has been with me at my desk and has been filled i think twice maybe three times a day which means i'm getting almost 2 3/4 more water than i used to be. :-) and that doesnt include the bottle of water i take with me to class in the morning. ;-) i usually only get half way throught that one. :-)


Yesterday i cracked open my bible... Let it fall where it may- and this is where i landed, and its still open on my desk.... Fell asleep right after i finished.. i think...

This is my pensive and mixed feeling face and my blah face...


And after week one of studying- i have created bags which i fear may become permanent. These have been here since last friday... they have moved in and are taking residency on my face. :-/ My body however, doesnt believe its ready for sleep quite yet because it seems to be telling me it would rather be awake doing something else.. something fulfilling, like apple crumb pie.. .mmmm... oh! i had rice today!! My stomach has been reintroduced to it recently and is still adapting because my sides are all tight like. that could be a good thing. yay for charcoal!

stupidness...

on a good note, making friends... broken heart... cytokinesis! and afternoon naps... and bothersome dreams.... yea, this morning i woke up wondering if pastor ferguson was okay... dave ferg... i had a dream he was dying and today was his last day... and he didnt tell anyone! but somehow i found out.. .the day before i had a awkward jacob type of dream.. well i guess not too awkward... ;-) well.... lets keep that a secret... either way, SAU- get ready for some action!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACOB!!

Swim Away!

Even this post is a broadcast soon regretted, i fear.
I must believe God IS good- I will persevere for the better or worse. And yet i contradict myself.

Look- you probably think your doing whatever your doing out of love and concern but i'd rather you (plural) leave it all alone. Thanks!

More and more i regret confiding in you people.
This immense regret is bubbling over to a state of mental chaos
So as a national broadcast stop telling other people my problems, emotions, cry fests etc.
Other people (ahem..) would rather not hear these additional aggravations.
Tell me why and I will soon understand.

My reason for these feelings are acceptable right now and healing is a long process, sometimes longer than the average but still a process nonetheless. I have rights and i deserve better treatment. And more for me than you, i shall have said such. My close friends are limited for reasons for which you (plural) are proving.

I have other things to spend my time doing instead of drowning in stupid teenage drama. This drama for which is unavoidable until further notice. So with care in my heart for 3rd 4th or 5th parties leave them out because (ahem..) its not meant for them.

The End

Fish swims away flustered...

Farewell

Last week before SAU in picture format:





Off to Collegedale in a few hours. Before I sign off though...

I love you DAN!!! Yo my man ;-) with all innocence :D
Thanks for so much Carly!
Gabr*ela Ma#%* Elv*R :-)
My Sanity thanks to my roomies
Thanks for being my shoulder Casie B.
BISS: Ooomps oomps! STRIPPER!
Roxana: Golden Delicious
Jenna: Work Buddy, Craft Buddy and be the best Senior
Paige B: Be good, Do good
Paige S: Laugh with Joyous songs in your heart- God is Good
Salome: VICKY!
Mariela: DIP IT
Ricky: Green is good for the soul! :-))

I'm gonna miss English class with my homies and Bechtal classes with the crazy folk :-)
OH the disections!

I LOVE this card!! i'm taking it with me to college!!! I think it was a valentines day card... that i'm not so sure about. anyway, I LOVE This card!! Yay for RED Campaign!! I can't help but love 'em

Pleasantville

Lets start from the bottom and work our way up since my pictures came in reverse order!




and Finally, right before leaving there, a cute little shot Carly took. :-) also Cute, if i may say myself.


After everyone parted, my mom came to pick the two of us up and we went to highland Gardens. These are my two personal favorite from Highland Gardens.
Monday, my aunt from maryland called us out of our bed letting us know she was about two minutes away. When she arrived, we were both just getting started for the day. We woke up my little cousin and convinced her to hurry to get dressed and she never finished her breakfast even after 30 minutes of reminders to eat her breakfast. So we pitched most of her cereal and headed out to harrisburg and walked around the capitol with my aunt. Waiting for Jeremy and the gang to get there, we hung out from 11ish to 12 until i got hungry again and before my aunt left we stopped at tacobell for lunch and waited at a local park on front street until the gang arrived.
Here they are! from left to right ( top: jeremy, Justin, Jacob; Bottom: Carlita, Me) We went to city island and all got on a boat!


We got to the water banks and tested the rocks as we stepped into the water. In fear of losing my phone i eventually opted for the universal bra pocket. we saw this pretty cool tree chillin over the water and decided to join the tree for a viewing of the beginnings of the sunset.


Carly texted me sabbath afternoon and asked if she could stay with me for a few days. My grandma was at church but i asked my mom and she said my grandma shouldnt have a problem with it. Carly arrived at my house sometime Sunday afternoon with her dad as the driver ( a great and fun guy he is) and we unloaded carly's luggage from the pretty blue SUV type of mobile vehicle. After her dad had left with Kayleigh, Carly and I grabbed some water and decided to go for a pretty long walk. We both hit up the cemetary down the road. We found a fresh grave! The guy that was there lived to be in his mid-nineties. Obviously we didnt know a thing about him but it was pretty cool

After deciding to head towards a pretty cool creek we took a different way, adventuring the trails i failed to finish via bike the previous week. We picked eachother daises along the way as our welcoming gifts. :-) ♫♪♬ doododoodo... ♫♪♬
Along came an old house that has been under construction for over 10 years. We were impressed by the looks of it and wanted to venture inside of it. We saw gates and alarm system signs and such so were hesitant about going in that direction. I thought maybe there would be another driveway entrance on the other side because i remember stopping there on my bikeride last week. Anyway, we walked up the lane. I'm not the greatest story teller but when we got to the top we saw an old barn and this huge open area for the cars. There was a BMW in the lot! whoa! Anyway, there was a heavy looking door to the right of us, an old greenish door with an old hatch in front of us and glass doors to the left. We went from right to left, knocking on the three doors. Then we heard dogs!! ... An older gentleman answered from the sliding glass doors. We, rather Carly, asked about the house and was curious if maybe he could tell us a little about it. So he let us in, and his family was outback next to a pool. (pretty) BTW he had two poodles and a shi tzuh dog. He gave us a tour of the lower level. Carlita could probably give a nice description of the house so we can wait for her post if you care to know. After thanking him and his family for allowing us to visit, we headed on our marry way down the road. While there we learned the origianl house was built in 1851 and is still standing and the family had built additions to the house once they had bought the property.

Continuing on, we finally reached the creek and here the picture part of our adventure begins.

No, it's not okay to be selfish. That's the last thing i ever want to be.

Emily told me today that she can bash on me and call me names left and right but as soon as it comes down to someone else .... well i told myself to stop it- to stop crying and being hurt because its selfish. not that being hurt is selfish but hurting and not thinking about how other ppl feel and responding to what they need too.

For the record, i'm trying. i went four days without crashing and i think that's an accomplishment.

this isn't about me

its about other people. i care about me too much and stuff like this isn't where i ever want to be selfish about.

its all about being selfless and loving others before urself

and i know i'm right

and i'm told the first rule to loving others is loving urself. and i need to take time for myself. (i get that)

i'm trying really hard to be internally and authentically patient and wait all this out and be open minded about other ppl

i really took last thursday night and contemplated. and i can protest as much as i want, but i have to really be authentically selfless and caring in my heart.