You are Special

Some people are more important they they believe.  

I have been thinking lately about some friendships that just may need re-lit. I have believed strongly that at no price is it worth losing a friendship over anything. I have thought about it lately. I don't think in this case i have lost any friendship, but i daresay it gets awfully close sometimes. 

It's a matter of letting my friend know how much she is worth. She, YOU (you know who u are), your worth is much greater than any word your vocabulary can suffice to give example of. 

I want to do something about it. Either way it may result in the happiness of another, which is what i seek. Happiness in someone that i value more than anything else, no matter how amazing the latter may be. 

So i await the right moment, to speak those unspoken thoughts, to make amends with... Either way. "you are special. You are valued and i love you."

The end.

Late Nights

Well, this for me is my way to release, and to click the publish button, i think, is whats saying, i'm weak and i'm admitting it. Simply writing, is saying to me, when i write, that it has been written (in stone) and can never be taken back. There is physical proof of my words and my thoughts and feelings. So from here on out, i caution to the reader(s).

I am concluding that finding out why i do something no longer has influence in these recent matters of my own. It does not matter to me why i do some things, what matters is that it changes. My plan, what i have been trying to improve, is simply not working, my motivation is not right, entirely. To motivate myself to change, i must (emphasis on must) do it for God. I have no excuse to to act or talk (or w/e else that may be considered unholy) the way i do. What matters is that it changes by God. The end.

Now that i have finished my thought in a rather confusing manner, late nights are no good for me. Late nights make me think about too much, too much of myself and everything that is wrong in life. ... And yet, i'm thankful to see all the things that are 'right' in life. Evenings tend to get me into depressing thoughts, which also much change.

I found this verse:
Romans 12:1,2 - Christians are transformed (changed) by renewing their minds (cf. Eph. 4:23). To live differently, we must think differently. We must not seek to be like the world but to use our bodies in God's service.

I am considering fasting and prayer tomorrow. Although, tomorrow may not be the smartest because of fall festival it may be displaying more commitment to my God than anything else.

All done.. i had my words gathered together in the car on the way home but now it is only mumble jumble. Since the shower and the yearning for a cry fest i have lost most all of what i was concluding. i 'hope' i will continue with this 'change' and not drop it by tomorrow. I hope i will keep searching and i hope by the end of the year i will be a better and improved person.

Rainy Day

I enjoy the rainy days when it is hot outside and the earth could use a drink to cool it off. Today was not one of those types. My mom is convinced that i'm depressed today- i am not. I refuse. I'm hoping to go home saturday for the day. the band is planning on going to Gettysburg to perform at g-burg church. So i hope that i can work it out so that i can be dropped off in between and visit with my family for the sabbath afternoon and then be picked up too. So let's hope for the best.

Today in bible we are searching for things that God says about marriage. More specifically, the qualities God says we should look for in a spouse, and in my case a husband. This is what i've come up with ...

1 Corinth. 7

Ephesians 5:25-28

and A LOT in proverbs

basically, i want my husband to have sturdy values, to be "Spiritually-endowed" (as carlita said), Passionate, and committed. When i write spiritually- endowed, i mean he has a good relationship with God, a growing relationship. I don't end my 'expectations' there they keep going. But we were talking about 'deal-breakers.' things we can live without because of our values or what values are more important than others. 

End Scene

All about 'boys'

first off, i was walking into the gym today and an old friend, josh, was playing around with the basketball. i had the sudden craving to go play with him. Slightly regretfully i didn't on account of my company. ...

I have a rather wonderful boyfriend. There are things every day i find out about him that wow me (only a little, for if i allowed it to be a lot...) He is pure and sensitive and insightful. He comes off one way but really is something deeper. I expected it yes, but.... well... he's God's kid. God made him perfectly, and i'm glad he had not been formed any other way. The insights i'm given by kyle help me to be a less judgmental person, a less criticizing person. He reminds me of the verse about the plank when i talk to him. I have no right, no authority to make such calls on other people. it throws me back and i have to re-play words and sentences and yet the words he says are so raw and pure i can't quite put it the right way; it gets twisted and deformed when translated in my head. And yet, while i'm standing i still don't feel guilty for saying what could be offensive. I intend to love and challenge our minds, values and habitual living. I intent to grow, inspire and learn. When we do talk about something, its like whoa. Where did i get lost in the world? When did i stop thinking like the way he does? When did i stop believing so hard? And in this way, he resembles my God- no he is not my god, i mean, he resembles the God i know (or the God i used to know).  God is sensitive and raw, a God of love and right-ness. 

Sometimes, maybe, maybe, I am so ignorant to think that he, needs to be reminded how perfect he is to God. God's perfection, God's masterpiece and God's child. How strong he is and how secure in his 'ways' he is. That is not to say, however, everyone else isn't this way, it's to say that one of my friends whom i love dearly causes me to have these whoa moments so often that it reminds me that God love me too. (selfish, i know... i'm working on it.. thats for a later topic)

elatedness

Dear Anonymous,

How was union trip?

i can not make a more educated judgement as to how "I" thought it was. Based off my expectations of what an adventist college is like, glorified and BMA-esque, it was nothing resembling a glorified BMA. In that perspective, i would enjoy it. Whether i could call it the school for me is a question that is still undetermined. Not until i have scouted out other schools can i make any calls on how well i could do in that particular atmosphere.  

 

The traveling part of the trip:

The feeling when first taking off was rather graceful and not frightening in the least. The stereotypical view would be the fear they experience when either they first take off or when they are landing where the plane is supposedly shaking. The term for that is turbulence; this is actually unsteady air movement, such as wind. :-) It's most aggravating  part was realizing the pollution issues and lack of organization in some states. Flying is maybe one of the most beautiful things. I think it may be why God would rather look from above to see us.  (if you haven't concluded by now, i was a first time flyer) I imagine it being like when i was a little girl and i had gotten to play on the rug that had roads and stop lights and buildings printed in it and i would move the cars with my hands, while playing the role of the all powerful little girl. It could have been like the Sims computer game and i was looking at the world from afar. So flying, other than the ear popping and areas of grey in the sky, it was a rather peaceful experience. 

Like most first time experiences, i anticipate negative and positive emotions alike. There's a library held within the Don Love building. The Don love building is an assortment of recreational rooms and other people places. The library is one of the several 'areas' in the building. I like it not for its mass contents, but for it's atmosphere.  Upon walking in, i am greeted silently by a desk worker, and professors are walking about the library, some helping students and others deeply engrossed with some type of project, searching for improvements to be made.

The professors themselves seem kind enough, not all quite so extroverted but most more than willing to help anyone who asks for it. The buildings are conveniently close so that in the colder months, it is not an excruciatingly painful walk to a class that's otherwise not worth going to. 

I personally didn't bum with any of the BMA students so i don't know what they experienced. I bummed with my college friends at one point or another. I inquired about their experience at Union even. I did not come up with anything negative about it. The campus itself is rather pleasant and welcoming. 

Off campus, there are quaint personally owned stores. I visited "the mill", a place to relax, have some cheap (but good) coffee and 'detox' from the day's adventures. another place was a sporting goods shop where i looked for a football to bring back (no such luck) and there was a sweets shop i stopped in at too. :-) also tempted to bring back...

 i felt a great sense of adulthood and maturity, which i did fully embrace and glow over while i was at union. Everything i did while there, i did with an awareness of self accomplishment. 

Like any college, i presume, there is more freedom that bma. As a student, people generally treat you more like an adult. This consequently causes me to respond with adult-like decisions. And this, for me, is rewarding and commonplace in some cases. 

i have considered making it 'my' college but i still don't know if it would feel right for me to claim it as my own once i was a student there. Upon reflection of the trip, i could say it has caused me to search within my being. I have considered the idea of almost complete independence and how i would be able to handle that type of freedom and responsibly. I have reminisced about the days before BMA when i had different responsibilities as a self-dependent teenager and alas caused me to re-evaluate my responsibilities and priorities as a student first and whether growing up again is right for me. 

An Ear Please

Okay, i'm ready for  cry fest now. I've been waiting and wanting to listen for God's resonse. It's been a week. I should be more patient... Can i have my date with my jesus? I want my date with Jesus!! Can i scream for it? no, of course not. Cause that wouldn't be nice. 

So you don't have to read, i'm venting, you won't understand most of it. You won't follow anything i will say from here on out. i've been editing and re-editing to make it somewhat comprehendible. In a nutshell, i am complaining from top to bottom.  telling God more than anyone that i want him physically here next to me. I talk about the things i'm tired of, love, cry fests, bma and what i want.

Now that i've gone back and finished on the flip side, i ought to be thankful. for anonymous reasons. like broken bridges, trees, street lights and pheasants.

Moving on-

I'm rather tired of the high-school atmosphere. I'm ready to go back to the real world, and fight for all i am. I'm ready to stand back up for my God and really truly carry on this relationship with God, i claim to always have. (i will rebuild my relationship with God) Lately, i have no relationship with him. I say i'm a christian and yet my jesus and I haven't bonded. I'm tired ofli living in habit. I'm tired of mere praise.

 Can we hurry up and get Jesus here? i'm tired of listening to people say, 'oh i'm waiting for Jesus to come.' Well stop waiting!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!  It urks me too much to listen to all the people who complain so much about what's wrong with themselves, or the world and others. If you have such a problem with something, fix it!! or fix your attitude. 

Sadly, I'm even becoming one of those people. Well, not exactly. I complain and whine. And I've been acting incompetent too may i add(while i'm around certain groups of people). and when i'm not i'm being either annoying or just a "woman on a mission" I just live in someone else's shadow.

I'm still here waiting to have my cry fest, have my date with my God and make some real friends. (I schedule in these cry fests) 

 Senior Rec along with some other things have started triggering my senses; i'm ready to move on with life.  What has BMA done for me? Secured me into a bubble, gave me a place to live (eat, sleep) and sent me a person to love like God does. Yes, i'm thankful. i'm learning about leadership and values and whatever else Pastor Sergio has to say. But honestly, i've been ready for the world since i was seven. I am familiar enough with what is out there, both good and bad, to cope and have faith to succeed with God by me. call me naive, i may even be a little naive, but i do think i can do it.

I feel like i've lost a lot of me though too. I guess it's a good thing to be reformed into something else- i don't know if this is what is really good for me or not. 

I want my Jesus. I want to physically feel his arms around me and hear his heartbeat as it pulses calmly in my ear. I want my Jesus to tell me what's going on for me, but if he doesn't speak at all, i'll still be content. 

So here i go to complain, like all the rest of the world- i will allow myself to be flushed away into what i consider this unacceptable behavior. 

I want a friend to not fight with, to be able to talk with, to not have to fight for their attention, I want to be someone's friend, a real Jesus loving friend. One that doesn't live through habit, one that embraces change and deals with my fickleness and is supportive and we grow together with bible in hand. Where has that gone? how about a mentor? 

 A friend is the only thing i expect not to have to fight for. I will fight for love, for God, for money, for an education, for religion and for freedom. I expect not to have to fight to get or keep a  friend. I suspect all those really great friends are married off, have love lives of the sort, or are 'just too busy.' (i'm in that category now- i use that excuse) that is really no excuse at all(the i'm busy with life excuse). People do say, I'm too busy to stop and talk with you. If your too busy for me, what will happen when Jesus walks past you and asks for an ear? Will you say, oh i'm busy right now maybe later. yea, argue that he's jesus and he's the most important being- but so are all the humans on earth. Jesus is them too. Jesus is me too. I'm repeating myself now. If you don't 'have time' for me, the 'girl on a mission', do you really think you'll 'have time' for God? i'm asking for maybe five minutes. He asks for your life, your soul. people don't make time for their people now much less making time for their God- assuming they have one. 

My views may vary a few days from now. but i will still want my jesus and i still want to do something about it. LIVE, and LOVE people!! Dont walk around just going through your day. Don't just 'love',  love when you mean it!!! don't throw it around. Don't be fake! 

love from the center of who you are! 

i'm still learning myself but the above said is what i know. i am firm in it. BUT i'm not so firm that i'm not willing to accept something different if that could also be right. 

End Scene

There has been some epiphanies as of late. I am emotionally/mentally ready to handle my own fincances, bills, and 'maturity'/adulthood. I have had several emotional wrecks since Union, and maybe that could be a good thing for union. .... It's rather a long story so lets not bore you with details. 

Moving on, here are some pictures!

Shoe: for class we had to do a portfolio of shoes... i just like those shoes... not so much the picture

New Coat: this is my new lover of a coat! thanks to my beloved dolly who is keeping me warm for the winter. :-))

And last comes the kitty that came to visit the dorm last night! I assumed it was the guy's deans. (it is) and warmed her up to the idea of me and then she was begging to come inside and so that's precisely what we did. for maybe ten minutes total. :-) 

Not A Dream

So i woke up this morning around 4:49 and was like... did dolly really buy me a coat??? My reasoning for even being up was my bladder. Anyways, i need to get back to school work!!

I LOVE YOU Dolly!

I love my dorota ann porawski!!! She bought me a beautiful coat!! i love you dolly!!! anyways prayer answered!!! okay.. i have to go to class or will be late

the last time i posted was so long ago... I am posting to put label to me. I am happily still taken away by my boyfriend, my studies need improvement, AP English frustrates me, A&P needs organization lessons, and i may wake my roommate if i continue to type...
so i'm on a quest for a message bible... i bought three invisible children t-shirts with the money i was supposed to buy my bible with... :-( somehow i feel like a sinner for doing that. However it was for a good cause... saving God's children...and yet... i feel empty.. and selfish

I played a game of basektball tonight.. crazy tiring... i'm pooped and hungry... hungry like the cookie monster..

I got a package today!!! an anonymous one! filled with goodies- homemade cookies too! i will make a world wide thank you to the contributor of my bliss. (Thanks God)

I'm dropping weight too. the last i checked i was making 112lbs. but i think i dropped again since then. pray that i eat.. find something good to eat rather.

In addition pray for BMA and my family. my mother is injured and my brother is ill and misses me. Bma needs prayer in general.
oh yea, i'm broke. as i always seem to be. I need a winter coat but as of right now it's not fitting in my budget.
okay g'night
God loves...

shh... Play

Isaiah 30: 1-14


8-11
"So, go now and write all this down.
Put it in a book
So that the record will be there
to instruct the coming generations,
Because this is a rebel generation,
a people who lie,
A people unwilling to listen
to anything God tells them.
They tell their spiritual leaders,
"Don't bother us with irrelevancies."
They tell their preachers,

"Don't waste our time on impracticalities.
Tell us what makes us feel better.
Don't bore us with obsolete religion.
That stuff means nothing to us.
Quit hounding us with The Holy of Israel."

okay unrelative rambling....

"sometimes your closer than my skin...and my heart burns for you..."
-DCB

In the moments of silence
a love screams
within the lips
hands, ready to embrace
what has history
Proved over 100 instances
with more reasons
and less doubts
of who you are
Putting my mind at ease
A confidence is brought about
Like a head held high
Not to be mistaken as arrogance
But confident love
All demonstrated
without sound
(but maybe with much laughter...)
Just Listen to Him

JesusBranded

I support Jesusbranded because it is my part to influence others through apparel and demonstrate my love for God through attractive tshirt and hoodie designs. See side link

"Hello everyone, Sam the Creative Director here, and I hope your summer break has been an amazing one! Now that Fall is back in season, our team wants to do our part in helping you layer up for the upcoming changes in weather: We want to give you a free JesusBranded T-Shirt!

Here’s how it works: All you have to do is blog about why you support JesusBranded, email us a link of that blog entry, and we’ll send you a coupon for a free JesusBranded shirt of your choice! It’s so simple!

So, if you have a Xanga, Wordpress, Blogger, or any other weblog accounts (unfortunately Facebook notes and Myspace blogs don’t count), start blogging about JesusBranded, then email me the link to the published blog entry at sam@stripes39.com. After I check out your published entry, I’ll email you back with the coupon code for your free shirt, and then you can shop away!

Oh, and one last thing: We’re only gonna give away 100 shirts, so that means only THE FIRST 100 BLOGGERS TO WRITE ABOUT US WILL GET THEIR FREE JESUSBRANDED SHIRT! Write now, and write fast!

On behalf of the JesusBranded team, we love all of you out there. Thank you so much for your continued support!

Live JesusBranded,

Sam Franada
Creative Director"

Rooms

Picmania

this picture is for a locker, as is the last one. i did put other pictures in carly's locker. 

Dan and me in english class!

Danielle and me and leadership class... I'm bad...

For my foo and my prince

The fourth day into school and i'm totally exasperated. I don't know how to study A&P and what to study and so i could use some help! help!!!

I'm pretty sure bechtal has class right now but i'm going to double check and i'm going to get into leadership bible.

okay gotta go!

Orientation

It's going to bea long day. its 9:48am. I've been up since a little after seven. The four other RAs are just chillin in the office and i'm here sitting at desk waiting for people to come in. I'm pretty sure all but Charlene doesnt like me at all. They can't stand me. I get awful vibes from them. It's going to be a long awkward year and i don't know how much i'm going to enjoy it. we'll see. thank zeus (stupid mythology book...) for my friends...

past, present, future

Only to satisfy my over active brain cells, i come to relieve myself. Shall i express my happiness towards the specifics in my life. I want to dance and show love at the highest cliff, i want to jump off it and pray that God will catch me in mid-air. I want to sing songs of praise(singing Crowder)with the voice only He would give me(since i barely have a speaking voice). And this is the emotion my life all creates- I like it but couldn't handle staying in this state of mind for too long I wouldn't appreciate it anymore and wouldn't stay humble (if i dare to say that am, even now). How i feel now, no one would notice, because it is very subtle. If anyone did or has it would only be my closest friends. (One can even tell by the way i write) Its the Joy of giving and creating love and spending time with family that's not really family- its opportunity. Opportunity to influence, imagine, hope, experience what wouldn't be if i weren't at bma. Its knowing that Senior year at bma will be (hopefully) a good year, knowing that AP English is going and already is a butt from reading material which is not keeping my attention long enough. Its encouraging the people i love to try new things (introduction to veggies!!!), its having a 'first love' and learning to balance my social, love and academic life.
Its raising money for a mission trip.
By the by, i'm helping 'my other half' mature and learn more responsibility. :-)
So the feeling i could wrap up is hope. IS this hope?

My only challenging classes are A&P and AP English. I have not necessity to be here at BMA other than for the experience. My classes are pathetic really, most are filler classes so i have enough hours to graduate.

So this summer, i've gone to New Jersey beach. I don't know which one.While in New Jersey, i played board games i've never heard of before, ran into the most terrifying ocean/waves not to mention cold waves, bonded with kyle's mama, cooked a meal with her even, i took a shower outdoors, was seen in my towel by the opposite sex, and told a brief and slightly vague life story to kyle. OH and i played shuffle board!!! i became a failure of bowling, a master at conquering defeat. I have plans towards college and living arrangements until college. I was a counselor for a week at Laurel Lake and enjoyed it while it lasted, and became a lifeguard the week before that. I do believe lifeguard training was the hardest week of my life. The two hardest parts was ruling over my fears, and overcoming mental blocks and swimming the laps to pass. Everything beyond that was just doing it and practicing the skills. I took on 2 1/2 jobs this summer (not including LLC for a week) and tried to get to know the people i was living with. I've become a little more comfortable with this girly 'in love' part of me. And i've mastered the art of "thirst", "salty", and "fuzzy", all the while filling myself and others with cheese, its not the edible type. I even watched two of the Lord of the Rings movies and watched the notebook. I'm not a fan of movies that aren't realistic romance movies, at least the notebook is not to me. I told kyle that i won't believe its possible until i see it myself in the real world.

I have hope to go to Europe or Thailand to learn an art/trade of some kind. and Hope to find the college i want, which means making a decision. And finally i hope to move to maryland the day of graduation. :-)

Memory Stain

I haven't mentioned the someone in my life, and i ought to post about it since this is part of my life, that has been happening. if you want to know so badly who, call me and i'll tell you myself- its better that way so i can hear your emotion. :-D anywho... not much else... got a quote though

"be yourself and say what you feel because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind."

okay, you want to know my updates give me a call.

More of BMA

Special thanks to the far away Jeremy






For more clips go to youtube!!

BMA productions

okay so whoa! umm.. thanks to our bma friends (probably jeremy and his amazing skills) we've go bma promotions. WOOTWOOT!

Little black Dress

I just got this yesterday... And i just woke up so dont mind my lack morning beauty... i'm working on finding something to wear to my cousin's wedding...

Start a trend- it makes the world a better Place

I've completed a whole two weeks working at the dorm and in that time, my co-worker and I have completed everything asked and then some and all finished ahead of schedule (i think).
And the above is one of the many things i do at work. We were about to throw out perfectly good cake.. . And it was blue. I have a joke with a friend that only they will understand so enjoy while being out of the loop.

Carlita

I kinda just like this picture... thought i would share it with the rest of the world. 

G'night

With Love

I have a thought on my mind constantly these days and it will not cease to exist there. 

I think about it while i'm awake, and as well when i make attempt to sleep. 

My thought becomes plural 

As a listener, it is no longer about my own feelings

But

What can I do to further express my devotion (to you, the potential actions to be)

To put my body and heart into action

All for the plurals-

Restrictions forbid me from indulging

Into many of my passions

Sitting is not an option

It was first to be ruled out anyway

I must not wait for a door to be opened 

But to open it myself

In order to exist

In each others hands. 

... and so now, what do you think i was talking about, huh? trick question. .... :-) it has dual meanings. words i would relate to it: leadership, relationships and risks 

Make Your Day

This picture was given to me. Yes, tell me you love it- i do!! it's among my favorite pon and zi

So what, i'm a dork- i will admit it. 

Day(s) Late Friend

G'night

You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my Eye And I love you so and I want you to know That I'll always be right here And I love to sing sweet songs to you Because you are so dear . © 1994 Amy J. Music (ASCAP) ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

to top off my night, this is what was sent to me in a sms before i went to sleep.

JSR

Us and our dates:
Kyle, me, Gabby, Earl, MK, and Jeremy

Gabriela(left); Mary-Kate(middle)
I really don't like the lighting at all on any of the pictures that were taken and of course i didn't take them. I especially love our cheesy smiles.

My date's and my friends. Earlium(left); Kyle(middle/date); Jeremy(right)

Just a few pictures from jsr
From the top of the staircase to the bottom here are a my roomate's friends. Carlita, Danish, MaryKate, Gabby(my roomie) and myself. :-)

Decisions, Decisions

I am at a crossroads with my summer decisions right now. Camp has been my summer for over six years, only two as a staff member. I don't know if i can tear away from summers with campers, singing praise songs, and lots of endless and also rewarding work at all hours.
BMA offers me over 2,000 bucks if i stay put, eight hour shifts and a entirely free evening to also make memories (just not with campers. :-( ) I want to make change and not return to camp but i might miss something worth staying for. I don't know what to expect yet at camp, i'm calling this afternoon to find out. I want to stick with my initial word and go through with the "i'm not going back." My heart says go back, my head says stay at bma- experience something new(good or bad). I usually listen to my head. More often than my heart anyway. This seems to be a rerun every year of wanting to go back or not. Also the question is my spiritual readiness for camp. Can i live with not getting anything over $1,000. OH yea, and staying at bma also includes incentive over the summer which is also a nice bonus. So essentially, do i want memories/experience, or change/money?

i have only until tuesday to make my final decision, Ms. Denise needs my input by that day.
Its equally half-half at this moment.

My brother's birthday is this coming monday! He will be 7 years of age. :-) Getting older too fast. He will need to grow into 7 year old jeans. (literally and metaphorically.)
JSR is this weekend also. I may go stay at someone's house for the night too. Shelly is coming up too. :-) AND focus week in the girl's dorm is almost done!!! yay!!!!!!

Sunshine, Come to me

I don't know. i wanted to post. There is a lot to talk about. I don't know what to however. So in the end i will straight up say I am feeling very happy all week ...

• i am happy to be back and
  
• i am happy i have wonderful friends
• i appreciate our principal (even though he's leaving.)
• I LOVE my bed
• suprise visits make me happy
• I enjoyed doing an english project this week and it also was quite comforting
• Chemistry, although sometimes unnecessary, i love the company that i have at my table
• music is amazing and Kate nash is completely amazing
• The sun was shining all week
• i got to see jeremy yansen
  
• i got 2 dresses before homeleave was over and didn't pay more than 20 bucks for both. :-)

• Becky G. is my really awesome neighbor and i love 'er
• Emily G. is coming to free running and i'm oober excited!!!!!!
  

And although life at home is hectic, my mother is spending my money (as usual) meaning i'm broke, and i probably won't see my brother 90% of the summer i like this week

Customer Assistance

Returning to BmA. Auntie will be here soon. How soon I don't know. But i am getting ready.


Give me a call!!

A Moment, Please

"Evan's mom died yesterday around 6pm. We're planning on flying up there tomorrow. His family lives in the Gettysburg area. I can't believe she's not here. She was such a rock and I thought she would be around forever. His parents have helped so many people. They did foster care for longer than Evan has been alive. Mom would be the first time help someone out anytime they needed it, even when it was inconvenient for her. My children will never know her and that will be such a loss for them. It feels kind of funny to be grieving for children that I don't even have. I'm so worried that Evan's dad will just give up and go, too. I don't know if any of us can handle doing this again anytime soon.

All we can ask for right now is prayer.

Jenny"

I was only a few minutes away from her yesterday. I had the chance to go see her and i didn't. Only if i stayed around a little longer i would have gone.

Join Us!

This will be my recharge for the year! Join me and lets have some fun.
PS good music

To Emily

I'm only a day early...

To Kyle

I Went On A Date

The sun is showing his face again and I decided to make a date with him today. I think he's going to stick around with me for a little while.- and that i am happy for.

yesterday i stacked two truck loads of wood and in the midst of it noticed the sun.

And because of that (which i actually did on a whim to get fresh air) I ran 4 miles today around my area where the trees overhang the road, and although there are brown leaves along the sides, i feel that there will be some green growing on the trees again. Which means less suicide attempts around the world.

• We played hide and seek, the sun and I. I the seeker, and he the hider. Of course I did find him every time because where else can he hide other than behind the clouds and trees while he's kinda just hanging out there in space.
  
• The creek(s) that surround my house are rushing again with lively-hood, I saw a blue bird sweep across one of the creeks. Stopping at the bridge the ground around it is rather moist from the sun's doing (of course). it's so moist that when i stepped on it i sunk.
  
• Although i'm going ice-skating on friday (which kinda requires cold -its indoors) i WANT to be social again and do stuff which is also a good thing.

I will go back outside in a few minutes to enjoy the sun setting in the west, which is at the face of the house, pick up sticks, fallen branches, and any other debris that i might find. So in my productive moments, i'm going to enjoy the nice of 52 degrees and no longer allow myself to wallow in any form of depression or self pity.

love to Dolly, Emily and chocolates.

These are the only pictures from junior prez that i have of kyle and myself. Enjoy

Class Banner

Introducing our class banner of 2009.

Curtsies

Courtesy of dan and his picture skills these are some of his pictures from DC trip


The above picture in order myself, emily f, kt paris, carlita, and melissa m.
below are the same people in different order

This is the really cool picture below

All at the lincoln memorial

I'll be waiting

At the moment i'm waiting on some people to get pictures from the DC trip but until then here are a random few.

Heart Day

So here its a day with pink and red balloons and the girls holding them often wearing pinkish or red-ish apparel. Some of it makes me go yuck and some is a little cute. but mostly cliche. it won't be a bad day just a girly love filled day.

i have my valentine he's on my bed... wouldn't you like to know who he is. waiting for me to come and rejoin him... ;-) he's white and soft and covers me and keeps m warm.

I leave to return to the bubble today. this evening at 4pm.
So long to the blogging world for a few days. I will be catching up on homework assignments or rather dormwork assignments, tests and pretty much algebra.

Summing it up

• Lost lots of weight
• got a haircut
• felt dizzy (and still feel dizzy) for a few days
• slept
• time with Emily
• venting through blog
• talked to beloved Europeans
• shopped
• and got 4 teeth pulled

That is to save people from reading oh so much. there's pictures though too...

The Real thing

Before(above)
After(below)

Fluffy(above)
Straight(below)

SHORT HAIR!!!

OK this one or the one with bangs!!! kris please don't kill me if i decide on this.
Adam says independent look and i look more self absorbed with this look. emily says she likes this one. and adam likes the bangs one more...i need a decision by tomorrow morning when i wake up!!

Your Worth- Join me in my sweats

I will open my door
Open my arms
Come and run to me
I am yo friend for today
Tell me-
Share with me ...

I may not be much of a person to give advice. I can however, sit and listen. Listen to either the silence, the wind against the windows, or the passionate words that need escaping to another ear.
I dare not hold the sun that you seek, I'm glad for that. And I will not be the light reflecting the sun for you either. I will be merely me.

Your worth is a Life. ... A life that you possibly saved (with strong influence) with only three cliched words.

And this is what Jesus did. He said I love you but not cliche one.

Need Opinion

Bangs or no bangs??? tell me what you think! i have two days to decide! Sunday is the day- if i decide, that is. ;-) 

My Snuggles

He is undeniably cute. He's been adopted but needs a name. He birthed from Animal Alley my favorite place to go. one of the many actually. He's coming with me to the dentist today so we can have bonding time before i return to bma where it will be the cuddle buddy for the neighbs. :-)

Bubbly

I sound older than I am. That is always nice to hear. What a compliment. And his voice... deep and European-like. For the record, I am not that depressed, sad or anything of the sort. Not right now anyway...

A phone call to dolly, and i spirits were brought up considerably. I'd write about it all but i am not good enough and all this disinterests readers.

booger pickin

Saturday evening is walking in. I haven't made any phone calls. I should have. I woke up this morning with the intent of calling.
Sometimes i wonder how real i am. Do I smile out of habit? I watch myself more when it comes to the love. When i say i love you i do mean it. I suppose I'm real. I don't dramatize anything unless i'm in the confines of my own habitat. :)

(like the title? thought it'd catch yo attention)

Just Don't

It's easy to get discouraged.... Easier to become discouraged when people don't care. Or gaining the knowledge of straight up lying. I am a very big hater of Lying. I will get angry even and tell it to their face. But what i feel now is simply sadness, maybe jealousy. Jealousy not of lying and the absence of authentic caring but of something else.

Maybe i can conclude that i shall not associate with the people who make me feel such ways.

How does one not love? Simply impossible in my fish-bowl.

...ps... faith is a lot to grasp.

Homeleave

Homeleave today.

Not too much

if I may dare to do so. and thank you, Katie, in advance.
Katie's Blog
this is my 'bowl' right now. give or take minor background details.
ENJOY!!!

Future Apparel

This hoodie is my future love. Someday i will have this to wear. until then, i can only hope... www.jesusbranded.com

It is Now- the 3rd time in 24 Hours

I feel that now, i have a plausible reason to crash and burn. to allow the fish-bowl to fall. My hopes were very much set on getting to Laurel Lake for the weekend to be with the pathfinders, the morrans, Jen, katie and everyone else. I was set on being in snow and bonding with people and watching the beautiful sky and the possibility of going to the lake to pray and read my bible and take a walk and enjoy God. Really, i'm very very upset. or maybe more disappointed.. that i didn't try harder, that i can't try harder to change ad committee's mind. Ad committee rejected us and will not allow us (justine, matt, alex and myself) to go to winter retreat.
... The end....

Keeping it Brief

Matt M. is a really cool friend. Need i explain further?.... i rather not.

I'm technically in math class right now but my body is in the computer class. I can not help but write. I am often feeling the need to do some writing. I really want to write a story but have yet to come around to doing that. looking for inspiration... again.

The water in my bowl is getting a little clearer. I'm glad theres more than me in it to help keep my bowl from total destruction. if it weren't for ignorance to the real world .. or maybe something else, the bowl probably would have shattered when it dropped to the floor. Thankfully though, there's a sea out there, and i realize it. There's more than one fish-bowl..
But to stop talking in riddles, and to make sense of my mess, my mom isn't doing so hott and i miss my brother tremendously. I am avoidance to calling home so i don't end up hiding by the bubbly house in my bowl, complete with blankets and pillows. In brief, finances are tighter than ever, brother is probably struggling to keep up with mom's emotional habits and mother herself is on the border line of crashing back into history. She took a good sum of money from me last week and she's not planning on reinbursting (sp?) me and shes living on just about 20 bucks right now... Almost at loss of a house too.
praying for a miracle
to be continued..

Excited

Beside my melancholy state and my moodiness i can declare i am probably the most excited person to be going up to Laurel Lake for the weekend to do praise team. :))) I will get to be with the pathfinders and some camp people. There will be Big Gary and Jen miller and her daughter katie. Katie is pretty much one of the cutest little girls i've ever seen that isn't family. cause i Do have some pretty darn cute cousins. :P Winter Retreat, i already feel is going to be super awesome and exhausting and fun. There's snow!!!! REAL SNOW!!!!!! i havn't seen much snow the entire winter season so that makes me all the more excited.

In the world within the fish-bowl, i've been rather overwhelmed. I've been struggling with a few different things and even though I don't feel like i'm getting the one-on-one relationship with God i once had, he's picking me up and not letting me wallow in depression. He's pretty much put people i wouldn't expect 'there', 'there'. I'm suprised and feeling blessed. I've come up with a few expressions of how i'm feeling during math class. and physically i'm exhausted and somedays i'm ' an egg thrown against the stone wall being fried from the heat of the sun while being punctured from the stones.' that would be my brain.. or my headaches.. meanwhile, i'm contemplating my future.....
to be continued...

I'm still excited for LLC!! yay snow and campers!!!

iight yo! heres the update. dolly's left the US!
yay for safe travels and being the most awesome person! ;)

much love

Suggestions

i'm going back to bma tomorrow. which makes me feel better. Although i still see no dolly. Anyway, kinda want a book list. I haven't found anything good in a long while.
So maybe my good ol' friends could help me out?

Ignorance to History

That was the day i ignored my senses. i could have maybe pinpointed the exact moment it was that i hadn't listened on account of my selfishness. I blame myself- my selfish, essentially hopeless self. And all because i ignored my senses.

She's done it again. She's retaliated. She's disappointed me. And what's worse is that she's screwed God over.
She went out, with her own addictions. What the poop did i do wrong? I missed the signs that screamed to me! i didn't recognize them, it's been so long. I feel like i'm eight again, ten again, maybe even fourteen again.

I guess maybe i should feel sorry. Maybe i should be sad for her. Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe it really was me. And look, again, i'm selfish for even saying it's my fault. Crap, where do i go wrong? anyway, here's my reasoning. She went back to work, i thought, no good idea. it bring back old self. It cause stress and no sleep on her part. Which then leaves my bro 's head to destroy like a ant tunneling his way through to the other side. No, i reasoned, no, he reasoned, she'll be strong enough this time. She's got the bible and she's got God. Where can she go wrong? I gave her my bible and talked with her daily. God spent hours with her, daily.. So once again my theory was that if i would have said something about her not going back to work, everything would have been at minimum, ok. So maybe later, ill make a story from this. Maybe later, i'll turn back and say oh, well that was then and it was instinct to write, to publish. I could not, but, vulnerability is something that shouldn't be taken for granted. This too shall pass. My favorite, favorite words of wisdom to remember. So, this willl be history by the weekend.... I hope. And on the surface, all i wanted for christmas, for new years was to see my best friend and not need her because i'm weak. Not need hugs and reassurance. No and here i am... 2 something in the morning. It's my freakin fault for ignoring my senses. And because of it, i may not see dolly.

well, i was going to finsh writing this story, and now, there is no point. Point she's an ass who screwed herself and everyone else over and later feels the need to take her own failures in something and blame it on everyone else. And what's worse, is no matter what, i still manage to be her object of wrath. Even when i say nothing, it turns to me. I could have stopped it, I could have even tried and i would have at least done my part. She's left again and now all i can do is sit pray and cry myself asleep, once again.

I think i may be having some kind of allergic reaction to this one blanket i got for xmas. I dunno. I think it collects a lot of dust.. Anyway, i'll have to wash it as soon as i get back to school, with all my clothes.
So basically i think i have the same cold i had before again. it pretty much sucks. I slept all day today. I got up twice. The first time i got up was because i smelt rice, it just got done. I made myself something to eat, talked to my mom on the phone and went back to bed. I got up a second time around 6pm to find out where my mom and bro were. I'm still up since then. Figured i'd write an entry and ask ya'll to pray for me that i have a miraculous recovery. Pray for my mother cause she's working a lot and then we want to head up to see dolly on saturday morning. I'll be getting up there before 7am!! My mom has to work that morning at 7 so i'll prob. get there around 6something if i do get to go. Mom's gonna be really, really tired so hopefully she'll get lots and lots of rest.